


Disorderly Conduct

by IMySpyEye



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fantasizing, Humor, M/M, Office, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Pervy Sasuke, Possessive Sasuke, Romance, Seme Sasuke, Suggestive language, Top Neji, bottom Naruto, mind in the gutter, top Sasuke, uke naruto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-15 00:24:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1284328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMySpyEye/pseuds/IMySpyEye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke, your everyday ultra pervert, delinquent and philandering playboy, had some everyday problems. Then he met Naruto. Now he has a lot of everyday problems, one of which is trying to get into the blonde's pants. Too bad that Neji, Sasuke's long suffering best friend, has to go along for the ride.  SasuNaru, NejiGaa</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind

* * *

Sasuke closed the door behind him carefully and let out a breath. He turned around, in the process of putting on his coat. He had gotten one arm in, when he saw Neji walking towards him in the corridor. He smiled, "Neji, m' man, what's up?" He finished putting on his coat and thumped Neji on his shoulder.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you. Well – more like Itachi was looking for you, and I got roped into it as usual"

Sasuke still continued to smile. Neji followed, suspicious. The only time when Sasuke smiled like that was right after –

Sasuke clapped a bell boy, who was crossing them, on the shoulder and pressed a wad of bills into his hand. He jerked his head towards the door he had just come out from, "Hey kid, call a cab for the lady after she wakes up" He paused "– and make sure she gets home safe."

The boy was all smiles. There'd be plenty of money left over for him after the cab. He beamed at Sasuke,"Yes sir, Mr. Uchiha" Sasuke was, after all, a regular customer in their hotel. He hurried to do Sasuke's bidding.

Neji stopped, horrified. "Were you just – " he spluttered in disbelief, " Were you having sex just now? " Sasuke just smiled at him and continued walking, adjusting his coat on his shoulders. Neji looked at his own shoulder, completely disgusted.  _Another shirt I'll have to burn._

* * *

The first thing Sasuke saw after entering Itachi's office was, of course Itachi. Who was, of course livid. Sasuke could tell. He could also tell that Itachi was going to try his damnedest not to lose his temper in front of Sasuke.  _Not if I can help it._  Sasuke made it his personal mission for the next half an hour to make Itachi lose his cool. "I'm glad you could finally join us "

Sasuke smiled. "You're welcome.

"What were you doing?" Sasuke could see Itachi's jaw muscles working, gritting his teeth.

"Fucking." Sasuke mock frowned and continued "– But I couldn't miss the meeting, job comes first after all, so here I am." He finished with arms spread.

"The meeting is tomorrow Sasuke." He noticed Itachi's eyebrow twitching and continued on.

"Tomorrow? Are you sure?"

Itachi's chest rose and fell with the deep calming breaths he was taking. "Yes Sasuke, the meeting **that got over two hours ago** , was today. The follow up meeting is tomorrow. I told your secretary to inform you"

"Hn, she didn't tell me that"

"If not her job, then what  **was** your assistant doing?"

Sasuke smirked, "Me"

Itachi stood up finally,  _fuck staying in control_ , "Don't you care about the company affairs at all?"

"Of course I do, I start them after all."

Itachi swallowed, determined not to let Sasuke get to him, "You  **are**  going to be in the meeting tomorrow, yes"

It didn't sound like a question, and Sasuke didn't like that. "Well, since I wasn't in the first meeting, there's no sense in coming to the follow up" And with that, he walked out, hearing Itachi throw his paperweight at the door an instant before he closed it. Sasuke smirked.  _Mission accomplished._

* * *

Sasuke was in his office, his feet crossed on top of his desk and leaning back on his comfortable but cost effective ergonomic chair. Contrary to general opinion, Sasuke didn't like to flaunt his wealth. He hated all of his pompous so called blood relatives. Except his dear Mama, the only one who actually gave a fuck about Sasuke's happiness. Sasuke was sure that the only reason he hadn't been disowned so far was because his father couldn't bear the thought of breaking his mother's heart. His father however, would love nothing more than to throw him out on his disrespectful ass.

Neji was sitting in the chair opposite the large desk, also with his legs crossed on top of it. He was a little queasy about coming in contact with said desk, seeing as it had been the scene of the crime of Sasuke's many escapades. But if that were the case, he wouldn't be able to touch anything in here.

They were smoking cigars. Big ones. Ones that probably caused a special type of cancer. Sasuke stopped giving a crap a long time ago. Neji, his best friend, indulged him once in a while.

Neji let out a mouthful of smoke towards the ceiling. "So, how did the meeting with Itachi go?"

Sasuke shrugged, "Like usual"

"So you left before he could kill you?" Sasuke's smirk answered him. "What did he throw this time?"

"His imported coral reef paperweight." Neji winced, "Ouch."

"Yeah well, I'm sure the coral reef went through much more pain to provide him with a paper weight."

They were quiet for what seemed like a long time, "You have to stop hating at one point Sasuke." Sasuke chose to remain silent.

Sasuke was in a public school when younger. He had had many friends, most, if not all of them, were from less fortunate families. Though he wasn't from the same world as them in the strictest sense, the other kids still accepted him as one of their own. Sasuke after all, was nice, considerate and extremely loyal. So he didn't understand when one by one the kids would disappear, and the remaining kids would start hating him more and more. It wasn't until one of his closest friends started a fist fight with him, that he understood what was going on. Sasuke's family's business was opening up franchises left and right, causing tens of hundreds of families to lose their livelihoods. Sasuke's aforementioned friend's family came under that list. The boy's mother had died of some illness, the treatment for which, the boy's bankrupt father couldn't hope to pay for. He had killed himself soon after, in a fit of despair and guilt. Sasuke's friend had become an orphan.

Sasuke confronted his family the same day, still bleeding from the cut on his lip that his former friend had caused. His father had merely been enraged that Sasuke let a blow land on him, while Itachi stood silently, not uttering a word. His mother fussed over him, trying to calm him down and tending to his wounds. He stopped bleeding soon enough, thanks to her care. But the wound in his heart never healed. The very next day, Sasuke was sent to the city's most prestigious private boarding school. There he met Neji Hyuga.

Neji and Sasuke didn't get along, at all. Neji was polite and dignified at all times while Sasuke, now not caring much for his family's cold bloodedness, was simply put, a delinquent. They never saw eye to eye, often getting into fist fights over the silliest of reasons. It was during one such fight, while hurling insults at each other, that they found out that they had more in common than previously conceived.

Neji, while being at the top of his class (after Sasuke), being one of the most popular students (after Sasuke) and being the most loved by his teachers (Sasuke wasn't included in this list), was never thought of as being good enough by his family. His father was proud of him, sure. But apparently, the rest of his family didn't quite agree. After Neji's father – the family head, passed away, the rest of Neji's family had provided a small fortune to him and his mother and set them aside. His rightful place as the head, now taken over by his once beloved Uncle.

After the revelation, still covered in their own sweat and blood, they had decided to get drunk. On the path to inebriation, Sasuke had felt a close bond with Neji - a feeling that he had made a lifelong friend. After almost ten years now, at the age of twenty four, he could say with confidence, that he was right.

 _Friendship formed over blood, booze and smoke._  Sasuke smirked, looking out of his window at the cityscape.

* * *

Sasuke was standing in the middle of the office floor, amidst utter chaos. He might smoke, drink his own weight in alcohol and have slept with more women than he cared to remember, but he did his job and had absolutely zero tolerance for anything that might lead to the work not getting done. Which was why, he was currently fucking pissed at the total and utter ineptitude of the people working under him.

Neji was standing next to him, talking to the poor girl who was totally confused about why her boss was glaring at her murderously. Said boss rubbed his forehead, taking a deep calming breath. He imagined Itachi. Then, imagined Itachi after Sasuke had dyed his hair pink while Itachi slept. Sasuke opened his eyes, now much calmer. And then, felt the world stop.

There, right in front of him, was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Beautiful, soft, blonde hair and eyes as blue and clear as a summer day.

"– your bodyguard."

Sasuke came back to earth. Dark eyebrows drawn together, "huh?" he asked distractedly. He had noticed in the back of his mind that the office sounds had started again, but couldn't for the life of him move his eyes away from the blue ones in front of him. Neither did he want to.

That was, until his view was blocked. Sasuke focused his eyes to see his brother standing in front of him, looking slightly peeved.  _Damn Itachi._  "As I was saying, Sasuke, meet Naruto" Here he gestured at the blonde "your bodyguard"

Sasuke raised his eyebrow.  _Huh_. He had not expected that.

"I don't need a bodyguard Itachi."  _But I certainly won't mind having him around._

"Too bad. You are getting one. Maybe now you will show up to meetings in time." He paused. "Or at the very least, show up." With one last disapproving look at Sasuke and the surely unsatisfactory managing of his office, he left, finally allowing the hot blonde to speak, "Good morning. I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I am here as a part of the  **Hatake securitys**  agency". He held out his hand for a handshake.

Sasuke put on his best 'I'm sexy' smirk and drawled, " Sasuke Uchiha." He gently took the offered hand and kissed the back of it.

The blonde ignored it, expression unchanged, "I know, your brother introduced you when you were zoned out. "

Sasuke's smirk dimmed a little. Ignoring the snort from Neji, he continued, unphased, "Yes. I tend to do that when faced with such a beautiful sight."

"I'm sorry to hear about your ADD". Neji started snickering. Sasuke blinked, having trouble comprehending what was happening.

"Now, I'll have to take your leave, I need to meet with Mr. Itachi regarding some details of my assignment." The blonde left, leaving Sasuke confused and Neji laughing away.

* * *

They were back in Sasuke's office. Sasuke had a document, which he needed to go through, in front of him. But his mind wasn't there. It was on the blonde, and on certain parts of the blonde. He still couldn't believe he got blown off so casually. Usually, people were falling all over themselves to please him. He glared at the document sitting innocently in front of him.

"Zoning out on faced with such a beautiful document Sasuke?"

"Shut up Neji"

* * *

Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his dark hair in frustration, messing it up in the process. He needed to get this report reviewed, but couldn't focus. The hot blonde informed him that, as Sasuke's bodyguard, he was to be in his vicinity at all times, just in case. That single sentence conjured up so many dirty images in his head that he had to sit down.

Making a show of rubbing a hand over his eyes, he secretly ogled the blonde sitting towards his right. He was sitting on a comfy sofa, with his legs crossed at the knees and the layout of the building in his hand. He really was hot. With a slim build and long, long legs that seemed to go on forever. And that ass, Sasuke mentally groaned. That should be made illegal. All plump and perfect. He shifted in his chair.

"I believe the document is in your hand " Blue eyes were looking at him, accompanied with one raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, it's a hard one to – decipher". Sasuke pasted a smile on his face, trying to salvage the situation. "I think I'll be having it in my hand all night trying to get rid of it." Sasuke ran a hand down his face, not believing what was coming out of his mouth.

The blonde was looking at the plans again, but Sasuke could have sworn that he saw him smile.

* * *

Neji was leaning against the counter of the restroom, arms crossed. "So, what are we doing here?"

Sasuke was walking to and fro in the space available. As entertaining as it was to see Sasuke look like he was losing his mind, Neji was getting bored. He tried getting his friend's attention. "Sasuke"

Sasuke didn't stop pacing. "I want to do things." Neji sighed. "That's nice Sasuke", he spoke indulgently. Sasuke stopped and rubbed the palm of his right hand on his hair furiously. "To him." He finished, looking at Neji with serious eyes. Neji however, was distracted by the thought that Sasuke looked very much like a rooster.

Sasuke was getting annoyed. Here he was, saying something so important, and his friend wasn't even paying attention. "Neji", he snapped. Said friend snapped out of it. "Yeah. You want to do something to him." Then paused, frowning, "To whom?"  _Did Sasuke mention that?_

"You know. The blonde" at Neji's confusion, he pressed further, "The hot blonde, you asshole."  _Ah._

"You know, we should probably stop calling him that. He has a name right?" Neji finished after thinking, "Naruto I think." Sasuke nodded absently, "Naruto Uzumaki, works for Hatake securitys, blonde hair, blue eyes."

"How do you know all that?" Neji asked in a confused voice.

"How do I kno – " Sasuke growled under his breath, " 'cause I have eyes, dumbass. Are you even listening?"

The other man looked at him strangely for almost a full minute. "You look like a rooster."

"I look like a what now?"

"A rooster, with the – " here Neji gestured vaguely at Sasuke's hair.

Sasuke was quiet for twenty seconds, completely baffled before he snapped, "I swear, I'm going to fucking slap you if you don't start listening now."

Neji rolled his eyes.  _Such a drama queen._  "Have you tried, oh I don't know, not wanting to do things?"

Neji got a flat look from Sasuke as a reply. "Right, I thought I was speaking to someone with self control." "And why are we here anyway?"

"Because, I don't want him to find out that we're talking about him."

"Right, of course." Sasuke was clearly in one of his many moods. This one being, his 'fucking crazy' mood.

"I don't even get why he's a bodyguard. He's the one who needs his body guarded." Despite Sasuke's crude comment, Neji had to agree with his friend on that. Naruto didn't really look like any bodyguard he had seen before. He looked like a very pretty model. And tiny, when compared to Sasuke and himself.

"I think it's more to keep you in line rather than to protect you."

Sasuke scowled.  _Fucking Itachi_. "Yeah, probably."

"You said that he has to be with you at all times? Even at your home? "

Sasuke nodded, "Almost. Yeah, he's staying at my place."

"Well then, that's your chance to seduce him and worm yourself into his pants. You should be fine after you get him out of your system, right? All you need to do is satisfy your libido and you'll be as good as new."

Sasuke brightened up, "You're right". Neji rubbed his forehead.  _I really need to work on my sarcasm._

The Uchiha opened the door slowly having his head turned back towards Neji, "I wouldn't be shocked if he knew what we were talking about". He heard a scoff. "That's ridiculous. Though, you think he might kill you if he did?"

Sasuke turned around, stepping out of the restroom, and almost jumped seeing their topic of discussion standing in front of them. Naruto was standing right in front of the door with his arms crossed and his feet apart, looking like he knew that the Uchiha and his friend were the only ones inside,"You done?"

Sasuke could hear his own pulse in his ear, "Yeah, we can go home now"

"Are you sure? Don't you want to do things?" Naruto asked with a raised eyebrow, turned and started walking towards the main entrance without waiting for an answer.

Sasuke and Neji shared a look.  _Whoa._  Smirking, the Hyuga then clapped his friend on his shoulder and followed Naruto's example by walking away. Sasuke watched Neji's retreating back for a couple of seconds.

He then hurried behind the blonde, following him outside, alternating between freaking out and staring at his ass.

* * *

Sasuke's home was a rather spacious albeit sparsely furnished apartment. He had moved out of his family's home soon after graduation, right after dumping a truckload of manure inside his father's car – and Itachi's. The whole place was furnished in varying tones of blacks and blues with plenty of windows, designed to make maximum use of natural light. Sasuke loved the place. It may not have been in the best zip code ever, but it was his. There was just one problem, it had had only one bedroom – A fact that Neji had often complained about, whenever he stayed over and had to crash on the couch, with Sasuke ignoring said complaints.

Sasuke sighed, "Ok, you take the bed, I'll take the couch."

Naruto looked at him like he was crazy, which to be honest, Sasuke was beginning to suspect of himself too. "It's ok Mr. Uchiha. I'll take the couch"

"Now, what kind of a gentleman would I be, if I let someone as beautiful as you sleep on that lumpy couch?"

Naruto closed his eyes slowly and opened them again,"You're my client sir, I can't make you sleep on the couch."

Sasuke smirked," You're not making me, are you?"

Naruto simply stared back. If Sasuke played this right, he could have the pretty, pretty blonde in his bed tonight. He put on his best befuddled face and spoke, "Hmm, looks like we have quite the quandary on our hands"

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind

* * *

Sasuke glared at the ceiling, holding his phone in his right hand, almost crushing it in the process.

"You are sleeping on the couch." The voice on the other line was confused, in utter disbelief. Sasuke gritted his teeth and snapped, careful to keep his voice down "Yeah, that's it, just keep reminding me in case I dare forget."

"You're sleeping on your couch" The voice still hadn't lost its amazed tone.

Sasuke wished he could throw the phone somewhere, but he really liked this phone. His mom got it for him for his birthday last year.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto had bickered back and forth for close to thirty minutes about the sleeping arrangements. Finally the blonde had sighed in frustration and agreed. He then wished Sasuke a good night and went inside the room. Sasuke had gaped for five full minutes, and then proceeded to settle on the couch, pulling out the bed sheet that Neji had set aside for himself, all the while muttering expletives.

He sat on the couch with legs stretched out in front of him, making sure to tuck in the covers around himself, and that his legs were covered and fell back on the couch, outraged as hell, and nearly blacked out from a concussion.  _The damn couch was too fucking short!_  Swearing up a storm, under his breath, he shifted down so that his head was safely nestled on the couch cushion and his feet were the one to suffer.  _They were just feet. Stupid feet._

Sasuke was so focused on blaming all his misfortunes on the length of his feet that he almost jumped when he got a text. It was from Neji.

_"Started molesting him yet?"_

Sasuke wanted to ignore the text, or say something barbed and witty, but was too angry. He blamed his anger riddled brain for coming up with the absolutely stupid idea of speaking the truth.

_"I'm on the couch tonight."_

Sasuke had mistaken his best friend for a human being, and didn't expect the asshole to actually call him. Thus bringing him back to the present.

* * *

"you're sleeping on the couch in your own home?", Sasuke really wished Neji would stop using that tone. And that Neji was in his car while taking to him, and would drive off a cliff.

"Yeah, and your sister is a whore."

Neji, however just sounded amused, "I don't have a sister."

Sasuke growled.  _Stupid brain. stupid feet._  "Whatever. I'm going to sleep."

"You mean  **try**  to sleep. You need years of adjusting to be able to actually sleep on 'the couch from hell'"

Sasuke growled once more, just in case Neji didn't get the point that he was angry, and cut the call.

His wanted to itch his feet, but was too lazy to get up, so he pulled his feet to him, itched and itched. When he went back to the old position, the sheets were all pulled up, so now his feet were cold.

 _Damn stupid fuckin –_. He sat up, now even more angry, tucked his stupid, stupid feet in again and fell back. He took a small amount of satisfaction in the fact that his head was safe this time.

He wiggled his feet, rubbing them together to get rid of the itching.  _Damn it._  Sasuke couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so angry at his feet. He got up again, intending to murder them by scratching. It was after another two minutes of furious scratching that he remembered.

Neji had, one night, dipped one of Sasuke's hands in a glass of water while he was sleeping. (Neji had called Sasuke Mr. Wet Pants for weeks after that). It had been payback for another prank that Sasuke had pulled on him. As retaliation, in true gentlemanly fashion, Sasuke had put plenty of itching powder on one end of Neji's blanket.

He buried his face in both hands, wishing this were a nightmare he could wake up from. He sighed.  _Well at least the powder was in the other end and his face was safe._  Sasuke's eyes widened. Removing his hands from his face and looking at them in horror.

It took him an embarrassing amount of effort to not cry.

* * *

Sasuke woke up just in time to see a sleepy Naruto emerging out of his room. His libido, brainless as it was, rejoiced. Naruto stopped, looking at Sasuke.

"Are you ok? You're face is all red."

Sasuke was about to give a wise ass and possibly a lewd reply, but then stopped, scared that his new streak of bad luck might continue. "I'm fine. It gets like that after a fantastic night's sleep on my couch" It didn't mean he couldn't be a tad sarcastic.

Naruto bit his lip and looked down. Sasuke perked up at this sudden change in demeanor in the usually cold blonde. "I'll make breakfast" Sasuke was distracted by the blush decorating the blonde's cheeks and missed the whispered sentence. "Huh?"

"I'll make breakfast for the both of us."He looked up at Sasuke and continued. "It's the least I could do, after –"and gestured at Sasuke sitting up on the couch with the sheet on the floor and his hands and feet red.

 _Huh._  The last of Sasuke's anger which he had kept burning safely in the back of his mind, simmered out. He gave a lopsided smile and ran a hand through his hair. "You don't have to do that. It's fine." _What the hell is wrong with my mouth?_  He was fucking hungry. And anything that would save him the trouble of putting in actual effort should be welcomed with open arms.

The blonde's eyes widened. He spoke again in a louder, more surprised voice. "But I do. You slept on the couch in your own home."

Sasuke didn't understand why everyone found it necessary to point that out to him, "It's not necessary. You don't owe me anything."  _Damn it._

The blonde's pressed further, with a louder voice. "But I do. You slept on the couch. And it looks so uncomfortable."

 _You gave no idea._  Sasuke raised his arms in front of him in a placating manner. "Ok. Ok. Knock yourself out."

Naruto, seemingly just realizing how almost hysterical he must have looked, promptly blushed. Then he hurried to the kitchen.

The kitchen was more of a partition of the hall, than a separate room. It had all the basic appliances. Not that it mattered, since Sasuke couldn't cook for shit. Neither could Neji. But Neji could however, sometimes, if they were lucky, manage to make something edible. Sasuke on the other hand, burnt water.

Which was why, the only two appliances Sasuke used, if at all, were the refrigerator – to store takeout, and the microwave - to heat the takeout. He didn't even use the microwave all that often after he had almost set the apartment on fire, while trying to make popcorn. And on a different occasion, the day had ended with Neji screaming at him while struggling to breathe, 'Why did you put it in a plastic container you douche bag'

"Do you have any thing that isn't takeout?" Sasuke snapped out of the fantasy he had wandered into, looking at a bent over Naruto searching through his refrigerator.

"Well, there's some beer."

"Yeah I noticed" Naruto said looking at the 12 pack at the back, trying desperately to hide from the blonde's condescending eyes. Naruto sighed, "I meant something like food."

Sasuke scratched the back of his head," I don't think so."

Naruto picked up a container of Chinese food, "How long ago did you buy this crap?"

Sasuke felt the sudden need to defend his choice of food habits, "Crap? Some of this stuff is actually healthy. See, Broccoli". He reached into the container in the blonde's hands and picked up the piece of green with his fingers, ignoring the blonde's disgusted look and popped it into his mouth. He chewed it, making a show of savoring the taste, though it didn't taste all that good, and he didn't really remember buying anything that had broccoli in it.

The blonde looked at the container once more and began hesitantly, looking a little nauseous, "I think that was chicken"

Sasuke's eyes widened, bringing a fist to his mouth, he politely excused himself and ran to the bathroom. Naruto winced, hearing the loud sounds of Sasuke hurling.

_Not one of Sasuke's finer moments._

* * *

Since there wasn't anything even remotely non lethal in the refrigerator, they had decided to eat elsewhere. Naruto left early to his apartment - to take a shower and get changed. He hadn't known that he would have to stay over at Sasuke's.

Sasuke sat in the office Cafeteria, munching on a French fry, dreading the second the grey eyed asshole would start talking.

"So." Sasuke closed his eyes slowly and gritted his teeth bracing himself.

"You slept on your couch"

* * *

Everybody could see that their Boss was in a bad mood, one that was worse than usual. The last time he had been in such a rotten mood, none of the employees got to go home for a week, including the weekends. The police had shown up thinking it was a hostage situation after all the complaints from the employees' friends and families. It had taken Itachi and Neji the better part of five hours to convince the police otherwise, after having lured Sasuke into the copy room with alcohol and locking him up of course. It also helped that just about every employee, had pasted on smiles on their faces and told the officers that they were there on their own free will.

One would think no one would ever want to work for a maniac, such as Sasuke can often be. However, it was the direct opposite. There were people vying for a chance to work for the Uchiha Corporation, especially to work for Sasuke. That was not because he was pretty, as Sasuke liked to point out when asked by the media. It was because, Sasuke, as insane as he could be sometimes (most of the time), was a great boss. A fact, that was understandably hard to believe by the majority of the population, but not by the people who had worked for him; was working for him; or was hoping to work for him.

He was very smart, knew what to do in the toughest of situations, and most of all, he took care of his people. Always made sure that the right people got the incentives that they deserved, helped out personally when one of them had too much work load, he had even given a week off (with pay) to one of the single mothers who worked there, to take care of her sick child. He couldn't find anyone in such short notice and so took over the job himself.

Also, Uchiha employees were paid bucket loads of money. People who had to work for Sasuke were given a bucket extra for having to put up with him.

Which was why, Kiba Inuzuka was currently accepting the jerk's abuse passively. "Are you fucking stupid Inuzuka? Why the hell is the sheet pink?" Sasuke stepped up closer to Kiba, staring him down _. And the fact that he's built like a brick shithouse isn't really helping matters either._

Kiba swallowed, "Because it looks prettier in pink, sir."

Sasuke paused for a second, mulling that over, making sure that he really did hear right, "What?" He asked scarily quiet and with one raised eyebrow.

Kiba swallowed again. The Uchiha had clasped his hands behind his back. Not a good sign. The people who had to be in meetings with Itachi Uchiha, thought they had it bad. The tall man was extremely hard to read, and was ruthless when it came to business. But it was nothing compared to being in a meeting with Sasuke Uchiha. If Itachi was hard to read, Sasuke was easy to, he expressed two emotions when he was in business - Sarcasm and anger. And since sarcasm isn't really an emotion, they were left with one emotion.

The office bets weren't about if Sasuke would punch someone in the meeting, it was about who he would punch. They had been confused for a long time about why Itachi even made Sasuke sit in meetings. Until they had realized, that Itachi only made Sasuke attend the meetings which had very unpleasant people who Itachi didn't want the company to be associated with. Sasuke, after he had found out, skipped every one of those meetings, just to spite Itachi. However, he later on made sure that those people 'had changed their minds about joining them after all'.

To better handle the lawsuits, Sasuke was bribed to attend anger management classes. To be more accurate, he was misled to think that it was a 'special date' and that he would get to have some 'fun'. Apart from the sex that he did actually have with the surprisingly attractive therapist, he got a tip to hold his hands at his back when feeling the urge to hit someone.  _Or maybe that was part of the 'fun' too_. There had been handcuffs involved, so he wasn't really sure.

Kiba was still standing in front of Sasuke, wishing he was far, far away. He flinched and closed his eyes when Sasuke leaned a bit forward. When he found his face still relatively pain free, he opened his eyes again, to see Sasuke smirking.  _Bastard_  .

"Change it back", and with that Sasuke went back to his desk and continued with his work, completely ignoring the man he had been terrorizing.

Kiba swayed in the spot for a couple of minutes, before he drifted out in a dream like state.

* * *

Neji opened the door to Sasuke's office just in time to see Kiba walk out with all the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Immediately guessing (correctly) the cause of that, he rolled his eyes and walked up to the desk of said cause, "Are you actively trying to get sued?"

Sasuke finally looked up from the blank sheets of paper he had been looking at before.  _Finally, I thought Inuzuka would never leave._  "No, just actively trying to have some fun"

Neji sighed. Kiba was a really good worker. A bit tardy at times, but he got the job done and that was all Sasuke gave a crap about anyway. He also tended to get a little paranoid, but seeing that he was working for the Devil, it was justified. "What did he do?"

Sasuke leaned back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head, "Printed out every report for this week in pink paper " At Neji's scoff, he continued, "I didn't even know we stocked pink paper."

"We don't. He must have bought it personally", Neji smiled with a little amount of respect at Kiba's effort to annoy Sasuke, "You think it's a part of the game, or did he do it just to piss you off?"

"Of course it is a part of the game. Even he isn't that stupid"

The office employees, out of sheer boredom and Sasuke's occasional tyranny, had decided to pay Truth or Dare. Only, it was Dare or Dare (Sasuke had rolled his eyes at the name). DD for short (Sasuke had seriously considered a pay cut for the lack of creativity).And it always had something to do with their boss. Every week one person had to do a dare (mostly fucking lame, according to Sasuke), chosen by the rest of the employees. They kept it a closely guarded secret, one that might endanger the jobs and possibly the life of everyone involved if it every got into the wrong hands.

Sasuke found out about it in the first week. It had been Choji Akimichi's turn and had to find out what was Sasuke's screen saver. The mild mannered man had been sweating profusely when Sasuke had walked into his office to see him sitting in his boss's chair. He had narrowly escaped by telling Sasuke that he desperately needed some paperclips in order to submit the Order checklist in time. Sasuke's screen saver is an issue of debate to this day.

They even had a scoring system based on the difficulty of the task, the level of pissed off – ness of their boss and the risk of death by lynching at the hands of said boss.

"They always come up with such lame dares", Sasuke got up. It was time for lunch.

Neji open the door walking out, "You're right. They should just set your hair on fire."

Sasuke walked out, locking the door behind him, just in case the idiots decided to go big and set a bomb under his chair. Neji continued to think, "Or maybe give you an STD. That would be too easy though", he finished with a smirk.

"Ha. Ha. You crack me up", Sasuke stopped, seeing the scene in front of him.

It was Naruto, sure he looked cute and all, but what caught Sasuke's attention was the arm on the blonde's shoulder. An arm that was attached to Kiba. Naruto had gone for lunch early today, after making Sasuke promise that he'd be a good boy and stay inside his office till he got back. Kiba introduced Naruto to one of his colleagues, then, finished their conversation with a hug.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that Naruto and Kiba are best friends?" Sasuke turned to the voice to see Itachi, "Where the fuck did you come from?"

Itachi just chuckled mysteriously and glided away. Sasuke rolled his eyes.  _Freak._

He saw Neji smirking at him from the corner of his eye, "What?"

"I always told you that your actions were going to come back to bite you in the ass. Though, I never thought it'll be in the form of Naruto being best friends with your latest victim."

 _Fuck._ All in all, it was turning out to be a sucky day.

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind

The chapter picks off exactly from where the previous one ended.

* * *

Sasuke saw Naruto finish the conversation after hugging Kiba, and walk toward them. He whispered to Neji, "Keep him busy while I have a chat with Inuzuka"

Neji whispered back alarmed, "What? How do I keep him busy?"

Sasuke didn't have time to deal with Neji's panic attack, "Ask him if you could show him a good time" Looking at his friend's blank and still slightly panicked stare.  _He might actually say that._  Sasuke clarified that he was kidding, just in case Neji did decide to use that one, "I don't know, talk to him about something"

"About what? We have nothing in common", Sasuke fought really hard against the urge to roll his eyes at him, but Naruto had almost reached them, "Hell Neji, I'm not asking you to date him, talk about the fucking weather or something."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, I'm not going to talk to him about the sodding weather"

"Just do it", Sasuke hissed.

The other man opened his mouth to express his further concerns on the matter, but the blonde had already reached them. Sasuke put on a charming smile, a hand on the small of Naruto's back and gently pushed him toward Neji, "Why don't you and Neji get to know each other a bit while I look into some unfinished business."

Not wanting to let the opportunity go to waste, he let his hand slide just a teensy bit lower, and whispered in the blonde's ear, "Go easy on him though, he's shy", and was positively delighted when he felt the blonde shiver.

Neji still hadn't lost his wide eyed stare when Naruto looked up at him with a beautiful reassuring smile.  _Oh God, he thinks I'm socially awkward._  Though Neji was far from that, he'd had his share of lovers after all, he had however been born with a little more shame than his cursed friend.

The beautiful creature, looking so trustingly at him and unknowing of the horrors of Sasuke's libido, was making him nervous. Even when still in high school, Neji had a tendency to get nervous around people that he thought were beautiful. Sasuke had taken great pleasure in tormenting his friend with this little piece of information, and would shove Neji onto pretty girls and watch him stammer up an apology. Of course, those girls had cooed at his pathetic attempt at reconciliation and slept with him as forgiveness.

Neji smiled and racked his mind for something to say, thinking back to the time when he and Sasuke had canvassed bars trying to pick up women, then realized that that was probably the worst reference he could use. Nevertheless, running out of time, he went with the least indecent thing he could remember Sasuke teach him. He pasted on a smile, "-Um. Your hair looks great today, did you do something to it"

Naruto bit his lip, hiding a smile and answered, "Yeah, I combed it"

"Oh", Neji swallowed and started freaking out at the thought that he had nothing else to say, and that it was his turn, "So, nice weather we're having today."

* * *

It took some time to track down Kiba, who moved surprisingly fast. He saw the other man near the coffee machine. He picked up a cup, filled it with coffee wishing that it was alcohol instead and thumped a large hand on Kiba's shoulder.

Kiba, who had been carefully sipping a cup of steaming hot coffee, jolted, almost spilling the beverage all over himself. Feeling his shoulder throb, he turned around to see his demon boss. "Sir?" he asked, just a bit confused. Sasuke never joined his co workers for coffee. Well, he did once, but the employees had just stood awkwardly, scared to say something that might set off their slightly unhinged boss. Sasuke, who had sensed the uncomfortable-ness permeating the air at this presence, soaked it up, practically bathing in it, and decided to be kind and never join them again.

Sasuke cut to the chase, "So, you're Naruto's best friend?" He asked meaningfully, hoping that the idiot in front of him would get his meaning and save him the trouble of saying it outright. ' _Show me the way into Naruto's pants'_

Kiba was, contrary to Sasuke's often expressed opinion, quite smart. He knew about Sasuke's latest target – Naruto's ass. Hell, the whole office knew. They had seen their lecherous boss stare at said ass more than once. The female workers giggled, aww-ing at such a cute couple, a little sad that it wasn't them. The male workers had rolled their eyes, muttering that there was nothing cute about the spawn of the devil.

Sasuke's employees were well aware of Sasuke's rather adventurous libido. But aside from his personal secretaries, he  **never** slept with any of his employees, much to the consternation of most of the female employees. The men thought that it was completely unfair how the women of their office would still want to sleep with a man who they knew had the personality of – something unpleasant. There're still on the lookout for a reasonably satisfactory comparison.

Kiba smirked inwardly.  _He had his boss by his balls_ , then, scrubbed his brain furiously to rid himself of that image. He had graduated at the top ten of his class, worked really hard and was actually pretty good at his job. But was still treated like crap most of the time. It just wasn't fair. The asshole seemed to take particular pleasure in tearing him a new one. Again, he scrubbed his brain.

He spoke carefully, "Yes, he is."  _Very good Kiba, short and sweet._  Then he just continued to stare blankly at Sasuke. For the entirety of two whole minutes. 120 seconds, crawling by on three legs. Sasuke grit his teeth, "Let's make a deal Inuzuka, you help me get Naruto, and I help you – get whatever it is that you want"

This time Kiba actually did smirk, "Well boss, I don't know how I feel about helping you bone my best friend". Sasuke narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, towering over the other man, "Well, you better feel fucking fantastic."

Kiba got annoyed, "I really don't like to screw over my friends, sir". Sasuke sighed and backed off a bit, running a hand through his hair. He knew that. It was one of reasons he had hired the other man despite the freaky face tattoos. He knew that Inuzuka was loyal to a fault, and respected him for it. Not that he would ever tell the other man that.  _Over his fucking dead body._

He knew that, as much as it killed him, he had to tone down his mafia boss personality if he wanted to get anywhere with his new source, "Look, I don't – I don't mean to – I'm not going to –". He growled.  _God he sucked at this._  Taking a breath, he tried again, "I'm not looking to just sleep with him"

Kiba scoffed. Sasuke narrowed his eyes.  _Point taken,_ "Fine". That has been on my mind. But I won't hurt him." He paused, looking straight at Kiba's eyes, "I give you my word"

That actually made Kiba consider him. If nothing else, the Uchiha was a man of his word. If he made a promise, and actually expressed that it was a promise, he kept it. Kiba nodded, "Ok, we need some donuts to eat along with the coffee."  _But that didn't mean he couldn't get some revenge in the process._

Sasuke stopped, absolutely refusing to believe what was happening, "Come again?"

Kiba smiled a smile a mile wide, "Part of the deal boss. We really need some donuts, none of the cheap stuff either" He patted.  **Fucking patted**  Sasuke on his chest and walked away, throwing the now cold cup of coffee into the trash. He turned around at the door, "Oh, and make sure  **you**  bring it in, Your employees will be glad that you care about them so much." He left, with the smile still on his face.

Sasuke stood there, stock still. He stood there till Neji and Naruto came looking for him, the former being glad that he didn't have to talk about cloud formations or patterns of precipitation anymore and the latter worrying that the Uchiha had been kidnapped. They had found him two hours later, as to be expected, in the least expected place.

* * *

Neji laughed really hard and really long when Sasuke told him what had happened. Seeing Sasuke's serious expression though, he sobered up, "So, are you going to do it?"

Sasuke continued looking at the restroom fixture, expression unchanged. Neji added, "He's not going to stop there you know." And just because he can be prick sometimes, he continued,"Maybe he'll ask you to shave your head" That imagery make Neji continue on his laughing spree. Sasuke scowled.

"I hope you fucking choke"

* * *

They were back at Sasuke's apartment, after making a stop to buy groceries. Sasuke had been alarmed at the amount of vegetables that Naruto had insisted on buying, he didn't even recognize half of them. He had added in cigarettes and beer to counter act the unnecessary vitamins, after making sure that the blonde wasn't looking. Sasuke had insisted on paying for the groceries, mostly to hide his smokes and liquor from disapproving blue eyes.

Naruto had taken the bags to the kitchen, to start on dinner. He gave the dark haired man something to much on in the meanwhile. Sasuke had looked strangely at the thing in his hand, "What the hell is this?"

Naruto gave him a blank look, "It's an apple, Mr. Uchiha". Sasuke scratched the back of his head, "You know, we  **are**  staying in the same apartment, and you  **are**  making dinner which  **we**  will be eating  **together** " Naruto continued to stare, "You can just call me Sasuke"

Sasuke looked on, fascinated, as Naruto's cheeks tinged pink. The blonde then muttered something and rushed back into the kitchen. Sasuke started eating the apple and opened his laptop to get some work done. His mind was elsewhere though, as it has been a lot lately.

The wondered about why he was trying so hard to get the blonde. Wondered what it was that made him so special as to get all off Sasuke's attention – occupying his mind at all times. He thought back to his deal with Inuzuka, wondering whether if it was worth it. He was still pondering over his own actions, when the blonde called out. Dinner was ready. He shut his laptop closed and got up to join Naruto, who glared, "Pick up the core Sasuke, put it in the trash". Sasuke just sighed and did as was told, he felt like he was back home, with his mother telling him the benefits of clean underwear.

They settled down on the tiny table – which Sasuke had put in to pay cards on. The food smelled delicious, and Sasuke hope it tasted at least half as good. He brought a spoonful to his mouth. His eyes widened, it was even better, "Holy crap, this is fantastic."

The blonde blushed, looking very pleased, "Thank you, have some more."

Sasuke didn't need telling twice, "Don't mind if I do." He shoveled more food onto his plate, Naruto looking on in morbid fascination, "Slow down, you're going to choke". Sasuke just continued inhaling the food.

He leaned back after finishing every morsel, still surprised at how good it had tasted, "I can't believe you made vegetables taste like that. It was as good as my mom's cooking." Naruto practically glowed, recognizing how high the compliment was.

_That was totally worth the couch._

After clearing the table, Sasuke went back to his laptop, feeling completely satisfied with life. Naruto went into the room. After about twenty minutes, the pleasant haze of having eaten delicious food faded, and Sasuke once again started thinking about the deal, wondering if he would actually go through with it. Hearing a scream from the room, he rushed in.

Sasuke froze on seeing the blonde. It wasn't his fault. Naruto had come out from a shower, hair a little wet and curling about his ears. He was also wearing one of Sasuke's t-shirts. And only that. Granted, it was big on him – coming to the mid of his thighs, but it was also all on its lonesome in trying to cover the blonde's delicious body from Sasuke's greedy eyes.

He got confused, wondering if was having dream, a wonderful fantasy. Another scream snapped him out of his fugue. He looked around, wondering what the blonde was pointing at.

Sasuke squinted, looking in the dark.

_A cockroach._

"It's just a cockroach" hearing the slander on its person, said cockroach started flying with a vengeance toward the blonde human. Naruto shrieked, flailing his arms around.

Sasuke had not expected the damn thing to fly. He picked up a newspaper and rolled it up, planning to squish the crap out of the motherfucker.

The roach had anticipated the move and made a wide arc, settling on the wall behind Naruto, who was standing very very still. He whispered, afraid the roach might take offense to his loud voice and target him again, "I don't see it. Where is it? Where is it?" A shiver went down his spine at the feeling of it crawling on his skin. Sasuke was facing the blonde, glaring with narrowed eyes at the roach. He whispered back, "It's behind you"

He did not expect a third shriek from the blonde as a reply, or for it to be so friggin loud. He did not expect the blonde to launch himself at Sasuke, knocking him back. He didn't expect to fall on the bed with said blonde lying on top of him. But Sasuke was glad all the same, when it did happen.

Sasuke saw beautiful eyes open slowly. He watched as pink blossomed over those soft looking cheeks and over the bridge of that perfect looking nose, watched as those luscious lips parted. He felt warm hands on his chest.

He opened his mouth to deliver the sexiest line known to man and came up with, "Err". But given the circumstances, Sasuke decided to forgive his brain. It could, after all, only work with whatever little leftover blood it received.

"Sasuke", the blonde whispered. Sasuke had never loved his name as much as he loved it now, entranced by the way the blonde stressed each syllable, "Yeah?"

Naruto looked away from his eyes, "Could you please get your hands off my ass"

Sasuke blinked.  _Huh._  He hadn't even realized that he did that. It was an automatic response after years of perversion. He had a feeling that even the roach had rolled its eyes.

He swallowed, "Sure". He let his hands linger for two seconds, feeling the firmness and memorizing it, before letting go. He also noticed that the blonde was wearing briefs under the t-shirt.

Naruto got up, pushing against Sasuke's chest, and sitting up on his lap (Sasuke really, really hoped he wouldn't be having anymore automatic responses), his hands dragged over from Sasuke's chest to his stomach. And finally got up and went outside the room. The roach, having had enough drama for one day, flew outside the window.

Sasuke lay on the bed for however long, Wondering how many donuts he ought to buy.

* * *

Neji was shocked seeing Sasuke walk in with boxes of donuts. He waited till his friend had settled said boxes near the coffee machine, to confront him, "What made you change your mind?"

He paused thinking, looking at the stampede of Uchiha employees that the donuts had caused, "You saw him naked?"

Sasuke looked at him, "Close"

At Neji's wide eyes, he elaborated, telling him the entire story with vivid details.

"He grazed you?" Neji asked with one eyebrow raised, skeptical as to its meaning.

Sasuke was wearing a smirk as only he can do, "Yup"

"You mean to say that Naruto, felt up your stomach?" Surely Neji had heard wrong. Or Sasuke was lying his ass off. Or his friend had lost his mind, and was mixing up fantasy and reality again.

Sasuke felt the need to correct the statement, "My abs. Every single can of my six pack"

Neji rolled his eyes. "Right"

Sasuke had folded his arms behind his head, leaning back on his chair. Well, seeing as the blonde was missing, Neji was willing to risk believing him. Only true trauma, such as narrated by Sasuke and involving fondling by said narrator, could force the dutiful blonde to stray from his self imposed responsibilities.

He looked at his friend, and saw that smirk and those slightly glazed eyes. He knew immediately, almost instinctively that Sasuke was on a verge of a day time fantasy. One that probably involved acts of debauchery considered illegal in many countries. He needed to ask any other questions he had before he ran out of time, and then get out for the sake of his sanity.

Speaking of other questions, there was something that had been bothering the Hyuga since the beginning of the A rated part of Sasuke's tale, "What I find interesting is the fact that your bodyguard was scared of a cockroach"

Sasuke just shrugged, nothing was going to bring him down from the high of finally getting to touch the ass molded by angels, "Maybe it's a phobia. Who cares."

Neji could easily predict the Uchiha's line of thought, "Congrats, you finally got to grope him. And it only took you 0.5 seconds of him coming near your groping range"

"Yup"

Neji trudged on, "So you're going ahead with the deal with Inuzuka?"

"Yup"

"You have absolutely no shame at all, do you?"

"Nope"

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind

* * *

Sasuke raised his head, letting the cold water hit his face. He let out a sound of frustration.  _This still wasn't making his problem go away_. The first thing he saw this morning was Naruto in soft looking grey slacks and a thin t-shirt, making breakfast. The sight made Sasuke feel really weird. He liked what he saw – the way Naruto seemed so at home in Sasuke's home. It made Sasuke feel a strange unnamed emotion. It wasn't lust. He knew lust.  _Boy, did he ever._

This was something else. It made Sasuke want.  _But want what?_  Sasuke always got what he wanted, not letting anything stand in his way. But he wasn't sure how to do that when he didn't know what it was that he craved. He wanted to spend time with the blonde, doing things with him that wasn't necessarily carnal.  _That doesn't make any sense._  Sasuke growled and pressed his forehead on the cool tile wall.

Sasuke sniffed.  _Is that vanilla?_  He couldn't help smiling. Turned out that Naruto was bit of a clean freak. Sasuke had never seen his apartment look so spotless before. The blonde, after freaking out at the state of some areas of Sasuke's apartment, had made it his mission to scrub it to minty freshness. Sasuke sniffed again.

 _Or vanilla freshness._  Naruto seemed to have a fetish for vanilla for some reason. He remembered how close he had been to the blonde's pink lips and that soft tanned neck the day before. Sasuke licked his lips, wondering what they'd taste like. He felt another sensation, this time much more familiar. Deciding that a shower wasn't ever going to be enough anymore, he took matters into his own hands, so to speak.

He Imagined that it was Naruto's hand that was holding him. He pictured the gorgeous blonde all spread out for him, just for him.  _He was in Sasuke's bed, lying on silken sheets and looking so – well hot_. He stroked himself slowly.

 _The blonde was writhing on Sasuke's bed_.  _He was trailing his fingers over his own chest moaning when they grazed hardened nubs_. Sasuke felt his breath hitch and his grip tighten.  _The blonde continued to touch himself, rubbing his palms over those nubs, the pleasure making him arch his back and curl his toes._  Sasuke's pace became faster.

 _Naruto gripped the sheets in one hand and with the other continued his ministrations, lips parted and breathing hard._  Sasuke grit his teeth, wishing so much that he could touch the blonde when he was so hot and bothered. Wishing that the blonde really was putting on that show for him. That he was the one who made Naruto so – so – fucking hot.  _The blonde arched again, he was coming, moaning loudly. He was moaning Sasuke's name._  With a grunt Sasuke released. He breathed hard, looking at the last of that day's fantasy being washed away.  _That was embarrassingly fast._

He straightened up again, letting the water hit his shoulders. He just stood dumbly when the door opened and the star of his fantasy walked in. Naruto came in and saw Sasuke standing in his birthday suit. Sasuke stood rooted to the spot, too surprised to even cover himself. He briefly wondered if he was being too calm about the whole situation, his only other thought being, _'I thought I closed the door'_.

Naruto, finally snapping out of his shock, blushed a brilliant red. He slapped his hands over his eyes and stammered an apology, "I'm so sorry – I didn't know you were in here – I thought I heard the shower running – but I didn't think – ". He dropped his hands, wanting the other man to see how sorry he was and promptly blushed again.

Sasuke continued standing there wondering what the proper protocol for the situation was. He opened his mouth to say something, but then decided against it, worried that he might actually ask the blonde to join him. Naruto screwed his eyes shut, squeaked out another apology and rushed out, leaving Sasuke still standing there like an idiot. 'I should close the door'

* * *

In retrospect, Sasuke was very glad that Naruto hadn't walked in any sooner. He went into the kitchen and saw the blonde fumbling with the spoons and forks. He cleared his throat, making Naruto snap around with an apology at the ready, and freeze blushing again. It could have been embarrassment at having seen the dark haired man naked, before. Or it could be embarrassment at seeing the dark haired man  **almost**  naked, now. Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, clad in only a towel. Looking at the blonde, now standing with his head turned to the side, he cleared his throat again, "I can't find my clothes."

Naruto screwed his eyes shut, blushing and looking sheepish at the same time. He spoke, still looking away from Sasuke, "Sorry – I've put them for washing"

Sasuke nodded, completely understanding," Even the clean ones?" Naruto risked looking at him, "There weren't any clean ones." Sasuke nodded again.  _Yeah. That happens a lot._  Sasuke stood there awkwardly, again. He looked around him, wondering what to do, "Ook. I'll just wait then. "

He saw Naruto nod and waded into the living room in his towel. Seeing his laptop, he shrugged.  _Might as well try to get some work done._

* * *

Sasuke was in the middle of reading the 'in the shower' section of an article 'what to do when someone walks in on you', when Naruto handed him a t shirt. He took it, a little surprised, "It's dry already?"

Naruto hesitated, "No, it's the shirt I'd borrowed yesterday" . Sasuke raised his eyebrows, remembering. Ah yes, from the roach incident. And from when he got to feel that ass. Sasuke looked at Naruto, realizing that he was still speaking, "I'm sorry about that. I should have asked you before borrowing your stuff. I won't do it again."

Sasuke was quick to intervene, "No no. you're welcome into my clothes anytime. " He paused, thinking back to what he had said, "I mean, you're welcome to borrow my clothes anytime". For some reason, he couldn't stop talking, "Or borrow any of my stuff. Any time." He ran both hands down his face and finished talking, "It's fine".

"Well of course it better be fine. It's the least you could do after groping me", Sasuke's head snapped up when he heard Naruto's reply.

He gaped for a couple of minutes before realizing that he should at least try defending himself, "That was an accident. "

The blonde scoffed, "Yeah right", then added a "pervert" for good measure.

He stood up, "Besides, you were the one who jumped me". Naruto opened his mouth in outrage, "That was the accident. You grabbing my ass, however, was not."

Sasuke was not backing down from this.  _Of all the nerve. He can't say that. Even though he's completely right._ "And was you walking in on me an accident too?"

Naruto blushed a little, but didn't look away this time. "Yes", he almost hissed and started walking back to the kitchen, having decided that the conversation was over.

Sasuke opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, a little pissed off at the blonde's attitude and a little turned on by those swaying hips.

He quickly lifted his eyes when the blonde turned back. Naruto snapped, "Stop staring at my ass pervert". Sasuke scowled, "Ha. You wish I was staring at your ass." Naruto rolled his eyes at the incredibly lame comeback and continued on his journey.

Sasuke slumped down into the sofa, still scowling. He started searching for new articles, 'what to say when being accused of groping '

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind

* * *

When Sasuke had shared his misfortunes with his best friend in the whole world, Neji had, predictably laughed at his expense.

Neji asked him between bouts of laughter, "Has this kind of stuff always been happening to you?" .He would surely remember if it had.

Sasuke considered the question, surprised "Actually, no. I don't think so"

"That was a rhetorical question", Neji stopped laughing, annoyed.

Sasuke rubbed the back of his neck, "And he called me a pervert too. Can you believe that?"

Neji straightened up and spoke as if to a particularly slow child, "Sasuke, you  **are**  a pervert". He thought his friend already knew that. In fact, he had been sure that Sasuke was proud of it.

One time, Sasuke's father had forced his son to attend an internship interview for a rather obnoxious company. Sasuke hadn't been pleased one bit. He had never liked being told what to do, let alone being told to work for a company that was basically a front for a loan shark. Sasuke had gone in with a resume containing a list of his various sexual adventures under the extra-curricular activities section. How he had still managed to get the job was beyond Neji.

Sasuke slumped, "It was an accident. And for what? Just a little –". Sasuke made a lewd gesture with his hands.

Neji looked at Sasuke with a smirk, "Well, I guess this it's 1 to 4 then" He elaborated on seeing Sasuke's confused face. "It's you against the world – and Naruto in your plan to bed him"

"I'm losing?" Sasuke knew he wasn't exactly making the blonde swoon at his very presence, but he hadn't thought it was this bad.

Neji was amused, "You're surprised?"

* * *

Sasuke was minding his own business, going through the latest inventory list and having an occasional daytime fantasy about his blonde apartment mate. Naruto had yet to rejoin his position of being Sasuke's conjoined twin. He had now taken up the task of interviewing employees. Apparently, most of the dangers to people in high positions are due to disgruntled subordinates. Naruto hadn't wanted to take any chances and wanted to build profiles of possible attackers.

'Or maybe he wanted to  **not**  be sexually harassed' Neji, being the ever helpful friend that he was, had added in. Whatever the reason may be, Naruto wasn't here and Sasuke wasn't going to let that get in the way of his daily dose of imagined debauchery. He double checked the number of new office printers – 69. Sasuke smirked,  _yup. Still going strong._

He was brought out of his musings when his door opened and who should walk in but Kiba Inuzuka, the one who could make all his blonde tinged fantasies come true, with smile on his face, "Heya boss? What's up?"

Sasuke reminded himself that killing Inuzuka could put a sizable dent in his chances of getting Naruto. He instead just replied calmly, "Just me". Kiba, not sure how to take that reply, and simply refusing to attribute any other meaning to it, just translated it into Sasuke being awake.

He continued to stand there and stare at Sasuke, trying to make him uncomfortable enough to be the one to bring up the topic. He lost. After seventeen minutes, he gave up and started talking, "So about the deal. Here's the next part."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "I still haven't gotten anything for my previous efforts."

"Well, I'm not the one who stands to gain from this deal boss. If you don't want this, all I lose are some donuts. But you on the other hand…" Kiba trailed off and Sasuke finished that sentence in his head,  _'could die by blue balls'_

Sasuke had often wondered, lying on his couch at night, about why he was so enamored with the gorgeous blonde. Yes, he was attractive. Smart, hot, a fantastic cook, gorgeous. But it seemed as if Sasuke's libido had just about stopped considering sleeping with anybody else. Frustrated with confusion and irritated with the damn couch, he'd just chalked up his suddenly Naruto focused libido to the challenge the blonde represented and tried to go back to sleep.

Sasuke sighed and rubbed his hand against the back of his head, "What now?"

Kiba looked distracted, "You know, your hair makes you look like a ro – "

Sasuke snapped, "Do not. Finish that sentence." Sasuke had always been a little sensitive about his hair. It was not his fault that his hair hated him. The damn thing wouldn't stay down no matter what he did. It was one of the curses of being an Uchiha. Sasuke secretly suspected that was the reason that Itachi refused to cut his hair short. Their father didn't like Itachi's current hair style, but given that his other son was a degenerate, he decided to cut his losses short.

Kiba blurted out, "I love pets".

When Sasuke replied with a, "And I love sunsets and taking long walks on the beach", he thought that maybe he should elaborate.

Kiba took a deep breath before he spoke, "Allow us to bring our pets to office" He'd had a talk with some of the other employees, telling them about a part of the deal, asking for ideas. He had also come prepared with a little speech to convince their boss.

After a sufficient pause, at least Kiba thought it was sufficient, he started on his spiel, "Statistics show that being near pets lowers stress levels and increases levels of dopamine, thereby improving the efficiency of the employees and the overall atmosphere of the workspace."

Sasuke stared back at Kiba with one hand holding up his head and a bored out of his fucking mind expression on his face. After he saw that Kiba's mouth had stopped moving, he simply said, "Fine, whatever"

Kiba was surprised, and a little disappointed. He'd expected more resistance than that. After all, being able to piss off Sasuke with him not being able to do anything about it was a once in a lifetime experience. And Kiba wanted to experience it more than once.

He could still remember the awed expressions of his colleagues after he'd told them about the incident. The incident where he'd confronted Sasuke about his asshole-ishness and had threatened to hurt him if he didn't stop. His coworkers had begun to look slightly skeptical, sensing the rising stench of a lie, but had kept quiet since they still liked to believe in fairy tales.

Kiba had then told them that Sasuke had broken down and cried for forgiveness. It was at this point that his colleagues had decided that Kiba's story was stinking up a storm and left.

Inuzuka, seeing that Sasuke had started playing solitaire, decided that it was probably time to leave.

Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, wondering what fresh hell he'd gotten himself into.  _But really, what harm could come from a couple of furry critters?_

* * *

_A lot apparently_.

Sasuke was trying to pry his tie from Inuzuka's fucking dog. Sasuke didn't like wearing ties, but today there was a meeting that Itachi didn't want him to sit in. So naturally, he had decided to dress up and go join the meeting.

He had just taken out silk tie that he kept stashed in his table drawer (usually meant for kinkier purposes) when a huge horse had galloped in and grabbed his tie with its mouth. It took him a couple of minutes to figure out that it was, in fact a dog. It was also Inuzuka's dog. A soon to be dead dog, belonging to a dead owner, if it didn't let go of his fucking tie.

He finally managed to win against the mutt and went outside. The office had turned into a zoo. There were all kinds of animals – dogs, cats, hamsters, gerbils, turtles, parrots,  _was that a giant slug?_.  _Itachi's going to blow a gasket._  No sooner had he had the thought that he saw Itachi striding toward him, not even waiting till he reached Sasuke to start shouting, "What the fuck is happening Sasuke?"

Sasuke didn't want to argue with a pissed of Itachi, who had a very valid reason to be pissed off, "It's bring your pet to work week."

Itachi narrowed his eyes, which Sasuke took as his cue to continue talking, "Being near pets lowers stress levels and increases levels of dopamine, thereby improving the efficiency of the employees –"

Itachi so didn't want to deal with Sasuke's new level of bullshit, "Deal with them." And he swished off. Sasuke sighed ' _guess I won't be going to the meeting after all'_

* * *

The animals were mostly quiet, after their owners had heard rumors about getting fired by an irate Sasuke, literally. Finally, there was peace and quiet since the animals were well behaved. Except for that fucking dog, who seemed to have an obsession with stealing things from Sasuke. He growled, grabbing his suitcase that was being held hostage in the dog's mouth,"Damn it, why don't you grab a stapler or something?"

That was the scene Neji walked in on, "Involved in animal cruelty now Sasuke?"

Sasuke growled, "This fucking mutt is the one that's being cruel".

The dog growled back.

Sasuke snarled, "Give me back my damn bag".

The dog snarled back.

Neji was struck by the similarity between the two beasts.

"Boss, that's no way to treat a puppy". Kiba had rushed in when he'd heard the commotion from Sasuke's cabin.

Sasuke was actually shocked, "Puppy? You mean this thing still hasn't finished growing?"

Here, Neji really couldn't stop himself from interjecting, "You're the one to talk Sasuke."

Kiba smirked, "Sorry boss, part of the deal remember? Or do you think Naruto's not worth it anymore?"

Sasuke growled straightening up, "Get out. All of you." he said looking at the dog in particular.

* * *

Sasuke strode into Itachi's office, as usual, without permission, "Itachi, I want Manda"

Itachi rubbed the bridge of his nose, "And you are asking me because?"

Sasuke furrowed his brow, " 'cause he's at your place. I dropped him there last week" He leaned against the doorway, shoving one hand in his pocket, "You were sleeping, didn't want to disturb you."

Itachi looked up, wondering what he had done to deserve this, "I was sleeping, so you decided to let your pet snake loose in my house?"

Sasuke nodded.

Itachi swallowed, trying really, really hard not to kill his sibling, "So there was a snake in my home for a whole week?"

Sasuke nodded again.

Itachi shivered. He never really liked the snake, and by the way it hissed at him every time, the feeling was mutual.

Sasuke had always been different, even as a child. Whatever he did, he would do it to the extreme, so it was hell when he'd gone into his emo phase (His rebellious phase was considerably more painful for all involved, but it hadn't started yet). It had been their mother's idea to get Sasuke a pet to cheer him up. Sasuke had been completely uninterested in the whole affair, that was until, he saw Manda. Itachi had been a little miffed that a snake was the one to help his little brother come out of his funk and not him.

Itachi had tried to play with his little brother and his new pet, but for some reason, the bloody thing didn't really seem to like him. It would crawl into his bed and hiss at his face the first thing in the morning. It would crawl into his bag, ruin his lunch and generally get on his nerves.  _Out of all the pets he could have had, he had to pick that snake._

* * *

Sasuke had demanded that they leave immediately to Itachi's home to get the creature. Itachi agreed grudgingly, and only because Sasuke wouldn't stop poking him with a sharp pencil.

Itachi had moved out much later than Sasuke. He had done it after much contemplation and making sure that his parents would be fine with his location of choice. His decision to move out was due to a growing need for personal space and the long commute to the main Uchiha office. It had nothing to do with the fact that Sasuke kept calling him a daddy's boy.

Itachi's home was much bigger and was located in a much better neighborhood than that of his younger brother's. Its decor consisted of large beige colored sofas overflowing with plush cushions, big chandeliers hanging from the ceiling that seemed to be a mile away from where they were standing. Gold colored heavy drapes gave the entire place a regal touch. It also had many pieces of furniture that their father had sent from the Uchiha mansion as a gift. All in all, Itachi's home looked very sophisticated. Sasuke had thought that it looked douchy.

Sasuke roamed around Itachi's home while the owner of the aforementioned home stood by and watched the proceedings. Itachi didn't really think that his brother's pet snake was in here. If it were, then it would have surely tried to strangle him by now. So he was more than a little shocked when Sasuke pulled out the murdering worm right from under Itachi's bed.

It was over two feet long and dark purple in color with black rings. Itachi had no idea what kind of snake it was. It was too short and hissed way too much to be a python. It had fangs but wasn't poisonous, it had bit him enough times for him to confirm that. It also tries to strangle him any chance it gets. Itachi had finally given up trying to figure it out, deciding that like Sasuke, it was a freak of nature.

Itachi was very fond of his baby brother. Had always been. But somehow along the way, as they grew up, Sasuke had made up his mind that Itachi didn't really care about him. No matter how much Itachi tried to get back into Sasuke's good books, it always seemed to backfire on him. It irritated him greatly that a glorified tapeworm had succeeded in getting his little brother to smile while he had not.

Sasuke stood up with a smile on his face, the stupid snake curled around his arm, "There you are. I was worried Manda". The snake being addressed lifted its head in acknowledgement. When Sasuke crossed Itachi, carrying the snake with him, it looked back at Itachi and hissed. Itachi narrowed his eyes.  _God he hated that snake._

* * *

Sasuke was sitting at his desk, waiting. He smirked when he heard a distinctly Kiba sounding scream. With the smirk never leaving his face, Sasuke walked out and immediately saw Inuzuka. He was hard to miss seeing as the man had plastered himself to the wall, staring in horror at his desk. The very same desk that had been snake free just this morning.

Sasuke's smirk widened, "Ah, I see you've meet my pet. Isn't he adorable?"

Kiba glared at Sasuke, still refusing to unstick himself from the wall, "No. He fucking isn't"

The snake lifted its head and hissed in Kiba's direction. Kiba eeped and tried to become one with the wall. Sasuke was really enjoying this, "Careful, he can hear you."

"Snakes are deaf", Neji added in his two cents. Sasuke had called Neji to join him in the fun.

Kiba practically yelled, "Does it know that?" He looked pleadingly at his sadistic boss. This was way too much trouble to go through for some donuts. Sasuke smirked at Inuzuka one last time before going back to his cabin, leaving Kiba to find out for himself if his boss was crazy enough to own a  **venomous**  snake.

* * *

Manda was curled loosely, around Sasuke's left arm. His owner was slowly scratching the underside of Manda's head.

After a while, Sasuke spoke without lifting his head, "You think Naruto will like my snake?"

Neji looked at him, "You're talking about your penis aren't you?"

Sasuke smirked and spoke again, now looking at Neji, "You think Naruto'd like stroking my snake?"

Neji rubbed his face, got up and left.

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind, Neji's dirty mind.

* * *

When Naruto saw Manda, his face practically lit up. He cooed while running a finger down the side of the snake's body, "Oh my God. What's your name gorgeous?"

Sasuke beamed, sounding like a proud father, "His name's Manda"

In case it wasn't clear so far, Sasuke did in fact, absolutely adore his pet, no matter what ridiculous allegations of murder his older brother came up with. In his mind, Manda could do no harm. When Itachi had first told him of Manda's attempt to eat him, he had scoffed. And then laughed, for two whole days. Manda had held a special place in his master's tiny black heart ever since.

Naruto smiled and continued to pet the snake, "Hi Manda. You look very handsome" Considering Sasuke's connotations of his pet snake with his 'pet Snake', one could hardly blame him when that line led his depraved little mind into a new tangent of sexual fantasies.

Sasuke couldn't stop looking at that sweet face. It struck him that he had never seen Naruto smile like that before. Sasuke felt a flutter in his stomach, similar but not quite, like the one he had just before his first threesome.  _Maybe he was allergic to the fucking dog._

The blonde straightened up, addressing Sasuke, "Ready for lunch?" Sasuke nodded,"You go ahead, I'll just check my mail and join you" Naruto gave one more dazzling smile and did as agreed. Sasuke shook his head.  _Was it just him or was the blonde really happy today._

He went back inside and stared at the pile of fur on his table. He glared, hoping it would make the thing move without him having to touch it. The cat merely lifted its head, swayed its tail once and went back to its siesta, deciphering correctly that dealing with the human was a waste of its time.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched, "Get up you lazy bag of fur"

By the time he had tried, failed and gave up on getting the cat to move from its new home, Neji had joined him. He couldn't help but tell his best friend how his latest quarry liked his favorite pet.

Neji replied with a single raised eyebrow, "That's your only pet"

"He's still my favorite"

Neji could understand why. His friend and the snake in question often seemed to share the same mind, which was particularly ironic, seeing as how many of Sasuke's unlucky acquaintances often likened him to a reptile.

He would even use the poor creature to pick up women, leaning against the counter in a bar with the dangerous serpent around his neck. When a particularly curious bimbo would come near him, Sasuke would give a slow smirk and say, 'If you're impressed with his length, you should take a look at my  **other**  snake'. It was infinitely unfair how often that line actually worked.

They exited the office together.

* * *

Naruto was talking to a redhead who was about the blonde's height and had green eyes, thick lashes, and long long legs.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Damn, Hatake securitys sure know how to pick 'em"

Neji completely and totally agreed, "Tell me 'bout it"

It was often a misconception that Neji was the direct opposite of Sasuke - a decent human being. But, that was not completely true. Neji was not without his own levels of deviancy. He steadfastly refused to agree with Sasuke that he had other reasons for accommodating his friend and his ungodly undertakings, than him being the unfortunate awesome best friend. It was one of Sasuke's missions in life to make Neji see the Truth.

The breathy quality of his best friend's reply made Sasuke pause and look at said friend. Neji was no prude, but he was more – discrete with his interests. So any indication of  **any**  kind of his interest in  **any**  kind of debauchery made Sasuke fill with glee at being able to connect with a kindred spirit.

Sasuke smirked at his friend, "Stop drooling Neji, you'll get the floor wet" Neji simply ignored Sasuke as he often did for the sake of his sanity.

Neji was totally and utterly smitten with the red head, who looked so graceful even if he was doing nothing more than just stand there. He looked so collected and composed and Neji wondered if he would be able to make him lose that calm demeanor.

They looked from the exquisite blonde to the gorgeous redhead. And back to the foxy blonde. And back to the smoking redhead.

Sasuke decided to gift his friend one of his own fantasies, "Can you imagine them making out?" Neji swallowed.  _He is now._  Individually they were both fucking hot. And imagining them together, almost gave him a nosebleed. He didn't have to look at Sasuke to know that he was in a similar state.

_The two alluring creatures were holding each other close, running their hands over every bit of exposed flesh. Not being satisfied, they began to undress one another. Inexplicably, there was water pouring over the two writing forms. They panted and licked the water from wherever their tongue could reach. Then, they started kissing, threading slender fingers through –_

They were snapped out of their combined day-dream by a shout, "Sasuke, Neji" It was Naruto who had called out to them.

Sasuke, as can be expected to do at the sight of so much hotness in one area, sauntered over, "Hello. I'm Sasuke, the tall dark handsome one. This is Neji, the other one." He still preferred Naruto. But that didn't mean he couldn't flirt a little. Especially since Naruto was right there.  _Maybe that'll make him jealous._

He often picked on his slightly more mature friend in front of potential partners simply to get a raise out of him. It was also a litmus test. If he ignored the barb, Neji wasn't interested in the target. And if he didn't –

Neji scrowled, "Yes, I'm Neji, the non-dickish one" Sasuke smirked. Looked like his friend really liked this one.

"Oh? That's just my type", Neji could swear that the redhead's smoky voice raised the room temperature by a couple of degrees, at least. He swallowed and slowly, but surely, delved into a fantasy where he put that voice to more use.

Kiba had noticed two of his friends enter into his department and walked over to greet them. He hesitated when they were joined by the Devil and Neji. Hovering just behind his boss, he had greeted his friends silently, who had taken the cue and continued to limit their conversation to the two other men.

The redhead addressed the blonde next, "Aren't you going to introduce me?"

Naruto flushed slightly and looked at the taller men, "Oh yeah, this is Gaara. My best friend."

_Wait._

Sasuke took a couple of moments to mull over that little bit of information, "Oh. So you have two best friends?" _Nothing wrong with that._  He didn't think the syntax fit. He had always thought best meant only one. But if Naruto wanted two best friends, who was he to stop him.  _Especially if one of them looked like that._

The blonde looked confused, "I'm sorry?"

"Kiba Inuzuka. He's your best friend too right?"

No one noticed Kiba pale considerably.

Gaara nearly growled, "No. He really. Is not"

The tone of possessiveness in Gaara's voice made Sasuke pause. He really hoped it didn't mean they were together.  _Even though that would be totally hot._

Naruto looked at Kiba incredulously, "Oh. You're still doing that?" He shook his head smiling and missing Kiba's widened eyes at being addressed to directly "He's one of my close friends yeah, but Gaara is my best friend" He turned to Gaara with a smile, "Chill Gaara."

_Wait. What?_

Kiba, apart from feeling considerably peeved that they were talking about him like he wasn't there, was starting to feel heavy cold dread grip his guts.

Meanwhile, seeing Neji and Sasuke exchange glances with each other, Naruto laughed softly before elaborating, "He says that to the random guys he tries to set me up with to curry favors from them. Pissing off Garaa is an added bonus"

Sasuke liked this conversation less and less, "I take it from your tone that you didn't really like those blind dates?" Naruto scrunched his face, "Hell no. He's an awesome friend and all, but he's got horrible taste when it comes to suggesting guys for me."

Sasuke stared blankly at Naruto. Kiba stood stock still, deathly scared to breathe, lest that should remind his psycho of a boss of his presence.

Naruto, not noticing the tension, and definitely not noticing Kiba frantically shake his head, continued, "I wouldn't trust his opinion on guys if my life depended on it. In fact, I started avoiding the ones he set me up with."

Sasuke turned around slowly to look at Kiba, who swallowed, wishing he had just taken the day off like originally planned.

Neji, sensing homicidal intent in the air, herded off Naruto and his hot redheaded friend, right after he whispered, "1 to 5", at Sasuke.

Sasuke nodded distractedly. He had more violent activities in mind. Saying that the Uchiha was pissed would be the fucking understatement of the decade. Being the usual instigator of annoying pranks, Sasuke had never been at the butt end of one. And that too, a prank at the hands of one of his employees.

Under any other circumstances, Sasuke would have actually let it pass (and later on made Inuzuka's life hell by pranking the shit out of him). But the man had dangled the chance of claiming Naruto's delectable body in front of his face and failed to deliver. And  **that**  was a cardinal sin.

Kiba was not a coward. Him, using his boss' perversion to prank him goes in part to prove that. However, he had not thought that the Uchiha would be this angry over one little prank.  _He must be really into Naruto._ He knew that his boss could be terribly vindictive if given a reason to be (or even if he wasn't given one). Hell, as an Uchiha, it was practically a given.

Once, there was a competitor to Uchiha Corp, who had been determined to take over their market by any means necessary. The line had been crossed when they had threatened the family of Uchiha employees for sensitive information. Sasuke went personally to deter said competitor from taking such aggressive actions for mere profit. They had called him a sissy in the business world and to do what he could to save his company's hide. Sasuke had left without another word. The competing company was shut down in a week, its building dismantled and used to construct extra toilets for Uchiha Corp.

Kiba swallowed when he saw the demented man he worked for hold his hands behind him. He suddenly had an incredible urge to pee.

* * *

He barged into Itachi's office unannounced, as per norm. Itachi rolled his eyes as soon as he saw Sasuke.

The younger Uchiha cut to the chase, "You knew that he and Inuzuka weren't best friends."

Itachi said nothing, "You knew about the deal I made with the idiot."

Itachi maintained his silence, "You knew that it would be bad even if he came through on his part of the deal"

Then, Itachi smiled a slow smile that reminded Sasuke just who was the elder brother, "You should have done your research. Take it as a lesson little brother. Learn to be careful"

Sasuke left Itachi's office not uttering another word.

* * *

Itachi rushed to the restroom, trying to look as dignified as he could.

He knew he should have kept his guard up. The problem was that he did. He did keep his guard up, very very careful about anything and everything that he ingested. So, he couldn't understand how Sasuke managed to slip him some laxatives.

'Industrial strength. Used for helping elephants with constipation', was what Sasuke had to say after the pills took effect.

_Sasuke you little shit._

Itachi walked out the stall after nearly an hour and moved to the sink with as less jarring movements as possible. After washing his hands, he looked up into the mirror to see if he still resembled a human being, and nearly jolted when he saw the figure in the mirror behind him.

Itachi squinted in the dim light, having trouble seeing properly due to dehydration, "Inuzuka?"

The man in question was in some kind of uniform and was standing in a corner. There was a towel over one of his arms and his voice was timid, spooked.

"Towel sir?"

* * *

"So, tell me Neji, apart from being non-dickish, what else do you do?" Neji stared wide eyed at the red haired vixen. In their two man team, he was the one who stood there looking mysterious while Sasuke chatted up girls for both of them. Coming up with stories like 'Kings from foreign lands looking for comely wives' or 'FBI agents on a mission to save the planet with sex'. Once they had used 'Aliens from an exotic planet wanting to research human women'.

And now, with the asshole missing, Neji was trying to bring up his game.

Sasuke always kept boasting that without his skills, Neji would never get laid. That Neji would never be able to make people swoon with just his words and the Hyuga's vehement protests against such slander would fall on deaf ears. However, this could be his chance to prove his mettle.

He tilted his head just a little to the right and smiled.

Gorgeous smiles were Neji's forte while sexy smirks were Sasuke's.

Looking at the dilating pupils of both his listeners, Neji inwardly rejoiced. Maybe he can pull this off by himself. He was just about to deliver his line when the aforementioned asshole returned, "Did you miss me"  _Damn it._

Sasuke rounded around them and planted himself firmly next to Naruto, just close enough for the blonde to feel his body heat. If that place happened to be right in front of Garaa, well, that was just a bonus and a coincidence.

He grinned at his friend. He knew exactly what Neji was trying to do. Both of them were very competitive by nature, but he was going to show his comrade once and for all that Sasuke was The Top Dog when it came to the game of seduction.

Neji glared at his friend, leaning slightly toward Garaa to show his claim.

Both of them glared at each other, passersby could swear that there was lightning passing between the two men.

Garaa spoke looking between the two horny idiots, "So, are we going to eat anytime soon?"

Both Sasuke and Neji snapped out of their imagined fight scene complete with Ninja style Shuriken and swords and looked down to see two sets of amused eyes.

Neji, being the gentleman of the pair, cleared his throat, "Yes of course. There is a fantastic restaurant nearby. They serve the best Chateaubriand"

Sasuke chimed in, "Or we could avoid douchy food and go to the world's best ramen stall"

Naruto visibly lit up, "I love ramen" he looked at Garaa pleadingly who agreed, "I feel like eating ramen too. Let's go."

They started walking, just missing the smug grin Sasuke threw at Neji. Sasuke led them, placing one hand on each of their backs, and turned his head toward his still glaring friend, "Not coming Neji?"

Neji gritted his teeth on hearing that smug as shit tone and glared harder.

* * *

Naruto and Garaa were sitting on one side of the table while Sasuke and a pissed off Neji were sitting on the other end.

Neji waited till their food arrived and Garaa and Naruto were completely immersed in conversation before he confronted Sasuke, "What the fuck are you doing?" He made sure to keep his voice down.

Sasuke had the audacity to look confused, "Whatever do you mean Neji?"

"Cut the crap you prick. What game are you playing now?"

"The usual" Sasuke grinned, "Let's play 'who gets laid first'"

Neji closed his eyes and tried to muster up the strength to not kill his friend. He hated that game. And Sasuke winning Every. Single. Time. Had nothing to do with it.

Neji whispered through gritted teeth, "You want to wager on who gets to have a threesome with them first?"

Sasuke paused with furrowed eyebrows. Actually, he hadn't thought of that, assuming that it would be with one of them and not both. His fantasy from before morphed into one that included him and he indulged himself in it for a couple of moments. Maybe it was more than a couple of moments because Neji got tired of waiting for a reply and stabbed him with a fork.

He hissed, "No. Not a threesome. One on one – a twosome"

Neji hesitated, "You mean, with either one of them?"

Now it was Sasuke's turn to hesitate. He simply  **did not**  like the thought of Naruto with anyone else, "Me and Naruto. You and Garaa"

Neji settled back into his chair, completely satisfied with the allotment. They looked at the two friends smiling at each other, and talking like they were the only ones in existence.

Sasuke whispered, "The loser has to cook for the winner"

"I don't want to die"

"Fine, the loser has to eat the winner's cooking"

"Done"

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, Sasuke's dirty mind, Neji's dirty mind, a little GaaraxNaruto

* * *

Later that day, Sasuke got Naruto alone before he delicately and tactfully brought up the idea of going out that night. Naruto in turn had thought it to be a wonderful plan and immediately called Gaara to join them. Followed by Neji and Kiba and Itachi.

Sasuke scowled walking into the building filled with bright flashing lights and blaring music. It was supposed to be an exclusive club. Naruto and he were supposed to be dancing sensually together bumping and grinding in an imitation of similar activities that were supposed to be happening tonight on his bed. And instead he was stuck with this.

He looked at Itachi calmly drinking some wussy looking colored drink to Neji who was throwing discreet glances at the redhead to Kiba who was nervously looking at his phone to Gaara who was completely engrossed in a conversation with the blonde to Naruto who looked absolutely delectable.

A thin almost gossamer white shirt hung off his frame in direct contrast to the sinfully tight black leather – LEATHER pants. Sasuke growled and ran a hand through his hair in frustration before looking around for something to vent his irritation on. And immediately his eyes landed on his dear brother.

"What the fuck are you drinking?"

Itachi took another sip before replying, "Something of quality unlike the swill that you choose to chug down at every available chance"

Sasuke assumed that he was taking about beer. He didn't care; he just wanted to get rid of the adrenalin before he got up and dragged Naruto to his bed to have some real fun. He lent forward slightly before grabbing the drink and drowning the whole thing down, ignoring Itachi's irritated glare.

It tasted really good. So, Sasuke pasted on his most disgusted expression and exclaimed, "This shit is fucking revolting"

Itachi raised an eyebrow, "I'm guessing you want another one?" His big brother did always read him well.

"Yes please"

Itachi sighed and got up. He always ended up as the baby sitter in these kinds of outings. It annoyed the hell out of him. But not this time, "Well then I suggest you get it yourself" He flicked his baby brother between the eyes, extra hard and then left.

Sasuke smirked. One down.

* * *

He shifted closer to Kiba who was trying hard to read something on his phone in the dim lighting and drawled, "So, you have a girl friend?"

Kiba slowly turned his head toward him, looking creeped out, "Are you hitting on me?'

Sasuke scowled, "Can't I have a normal conversation?'

Kiba paused. The case was either that his boss was trying to break the ice and behave like a conventional human being or thinking with his dick and trying to get laid. And since it was Sasuke, it was customary to assume that it was the latter. But he doubted that he was Sasuke's type. Atleast, he hoped and prayed that he wasn't.

"Uh. You usually don't"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and gestured to the phone in Kiba's hand, "You're taking to your girlfriend right?"

It was a simple question, but the widening of Kiba's eyes and the paranoid way he hunched his phone closer to himself made Sasuke think that he had just asked for one of Kiba's lungs.

"No. No. Why would you say that? I'm talking to my friend. My guy friend. From college. Chouji" He nodded vigorously, making his shaggy hair bounce, "I'm talking to Chouji"

Sasuke raised one eyebrow before taking, in an attempt to bring the conversation into the zone of reasonably proportionate reactions.

"I didn't know you and Akimichi were college mates"

Kiba still hadn't lost his wide eyed look, "Yeah. We. Em. Are college mates. Konoha State University"

Sasuke nodded in understanding before furrowing his brows, remembering something, "Didn't you study abroad in Suna?"

Kiba abruptly got up, almost knocking the drinks on the table down, "I gotta go. Forgot ta water my cactus"

Sasuke was even more confused, "Water your cactus? Is that code for wanking?"

Kiba mumbled something and practically ran out. Sasuke watched him go, bewildered, before shrugging. Two down.

* * *

He was sitting next to Neji, with Naruto and Gaara in front of them. Sasuke wondered distantly what it was that had them taking for so freaking long all the freaking time. He turned his head to see Neji stare at the red head.

"Are you ever gonna make a fucking move?"

"As if you have" he added with a smirk, "Successfully"

Neji looked around, "Where's Itachi"

"Left"

"And Inuzuka?"

"Him too" He took a big swallow of his beer, "Said he had to water his cactus"

Neji squinted his eyes, "He had to jerk off?"

Sasuke shrugged, "Probably" He looked at the blonde sitting right in front of him. So close, he could just reach out and pull him near. The lights from behind the blonde highlighted his hair, made him look almost ethereal. It also made his shirt translucent, "I'm pretty close to watering my cactus myself"

Neji grunted absently, having decided that his time was better spent looking at the beautiful redheaded vixen in front of him instead of listening to the insane ramblings of a sex fiend.

Sasuke had had enough and lent forward, "Hey, so what are you guys talking about?" That earned him the attention of both clear blue and bright green eyes, making him feel a heat creep behind his neck.

They looked at each other before smiling. In unison they moved closer to be heard over the loud music. Sasuke tried really hard to maintain eye contact and not to stare down the blonde's obscene shirt.

It was Naruto who spoke first, "We were just reminiscing about the time in college when we experimented with each other"

_Huh._

Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Neji had also lent forward and was all ears. His friend swallowed loudly before stuttering, "Ex –experimented?'

Sasuke swallowed too. Dear lord. Did it really mean what he thinks and hoped it means?

Gaara nodded with a slow smoldering smile on his face, "Yeah. We were both curious" Here he gave a coy shrug and whispered conspiratorially, "and horny"

Naruto continued after taking a long sip from his drink. "You wouldn't believe the stuff we did together" He blushed and laughed into his hand. Sasuke's eyes darted from his face to the shirt that was just half off of one shoulder, revealing one delicious looking collarbone.

Again it was Gaara who spoke after putting down his empty glass, "We had a lot of private study time"

And then it was Naruto, "If you know what we mean"

And then they started laughing at what seemed like some private joke.

He heard Neji groan softly, "I think I need to water my cactus too"

* * *

"Holy shit"

"I know"

They were staring wide eyed at the most erotic display they had ever seen in their lives. Clearly both Naruto and Gaara had had a little too much to drink. They were also falling all over the place. Nuzzling and caressing each other. Little kisses on cheeks, tight hugs and soft sighs.

* * *

"Oh My God"

"I know"

They sat there not knowing whether to stop the two ravishing creatures in front of them or whether they even wanted them to stop. Just then, Naruto kissed Gaara on the cheek, in the middle of which Gaara turned his head and kissed the blonde on the lips instead. They started making out.

"Fuck"

"I know"

* * *

They knew that they had to stop them before things got out of control. But they just didn't have the heart to. Or more accurately, their libidos told them to let the show go on. Just a minute longer. Just one more second.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the two pulled apart, panting and sporting matching blushes. Both of their clothes were rumpled, hair disheveled and lips shiny and swollen.

Naruto exclaimed excitedly, "I love this song. Come on Gaara" He dragged a willing redhead to the dance floor. The crowd immediately parted on seeing them.

Sasuke and Neji, forgotten at the booth, sat open mouthed at the wonderful sight that they had somehow been lucky enough to be graced with.

The blonde and the red head were rubbing against each other. One could have trouble telling where one of them ended and the other began. They swayed their hips and ran their hands over themselves and each other. Sasuke noticed that just about everybody else in their vicinity stopped dancing and simply stared at the drool worthy sight.

When the song ended, Naruto pouted wishing loudly that the song would continue. Some guy shouted at the DJ to play the song again. When Naruto and Gaara started dancing once more, everybody cheered.

'Ok, show's over' Sasuke strode up to the dancing couple and broke them apart. They were really drunk and almost lost their balance. He held them up, handing over Gaara to Neji and held Naruto close.

The guy from before stopped Sasuke with a hand on his chest, "Hey buddy, they wanted to dance. So, let them dance. We wanna see" He threw a dirty grin at Naruto.

Sasuke was pissed. He lent forward a little, towering over the other man and growled, "Get your hand off of me before I break your face"

The man stopped grinning and held up his hands in a placating manner.

* * *

Sasuke walked out, carrying Naruto when the blonde stumbled over his own feet. Reaching his car, he carefully placed the blonde in the backseat, who immediately gave a content sigh and fell asleep.

Closing the door, Sasuke ran a hand through his hair and looked at Neji who similarly had Gaara in his arms, "Can you dive?"

Sasuke nodded, "You?"

"I didn't drink"

Sasuke smirked, "Wanted to make sure the soldier would be ready for action?'

"Fuck you" Neji smirked back, "My soldier's always ready for action"

They both looked down when Gaara stirred, groggy eyes landing immediately on the man carrying him.

"Neji?" he mumbled before slipping off to sleep with a soft smile on his face. Neji's eyes widened a fraction. His heart hammering in his chest and felt himself echo the redhead's smile. He continued to smile dopily all the way to his car.

Sasuke grinned at the sickeningly sweet display and opened the driver's door to his car, "Don't know about you, but I'm definitely watering my cactus tonight"

He got in and shut the door, just in time to hear Neji's "Me too" before the sound of another door being shut followed.

* * *

After parking into his apartment building, Sasuke gathered the still knackered out blonde into his arms and entered the elevator. He lent back against the wall after pressing the button to his floor and sighed looking at the cargo in his hands.

The blonde looked gorgeous even when drunk out of his mind. That damn shirt that had been driving him crazy all night looked even more impossibly transparent under the harsh light of the elevator. He tried not to stare at the blonde's chest, where pink peaked nubs were clearly visible. Then, deciding that he really wasn't that decent of a guy before and that he really shouldn't try being one now, just gave up and looked.

He had only a moment before the elevator pinged, signaling the arrival to their floor. He sighed once more, and exited the contraption. Opening the door required a little of his juggling expertise, but it was manageable.

Sasuke went straight to his room, well what used to be his room. He gently lowered Naruto onto the bed, which creaked under his knee. Putting a pillow under the blonde head, he made to straighten up when blue eyes opened.

Sasuke couldn't help but wish that the blonde had woken up a little earlier so that he didn't have to carry him the whole fucking way. Then again, he did get the chance to ogle him up close.

Naruto murmured something unintelligible at him and Sasuke wondering if it might be some national secret, lent close and was surprised when he felt fingers threading through his hair.

Naruto pulled him closer and Sasuke let him, utterly hypnotized by drowsy blue eyes rhythmically disappearing behind thick lashes. He let him turn his head just so, eyes widening when the blonde pressed his lips against his.

He froze in that position for what felt like a fucking long ass time before instinct kicked in and he pressed back. He almost lost his balance and quickly placed his other hand on the bed. Naruto was now lying with his head between both of Sasuke's palms.

He licked the luscious lips under his, closing his eyes at the taste. Not being able to help himself, he nibbled at the plump lower lip, drinking in the moan that spilled out. There were no fireworks or sparks. Instead, he felt burning warmth that slowly grew hotter and hotter and left a tingle in its wake.

That tingle spread from his lips to his face and neck, even to his ears. Snapping his eyes open, Sasuke realized that he was blushing. He hadn't blushed since middle school.

He pulled back completely and stared at Naruto, whose eyes were slowly drifting closed. The blonde was asleep again. He had uttered something just before he fell asleep. 'Thank you'

Sasuke supposed it was thanks for not raping him.

He gave out a deep breath looking longingly at the mouth-watering blonde spread out on his bed, before looking down and apologizing mentally to his dick.

* * *

He lay on the couch, trying to go to sleep. But the tingle wouldn't leave him alone. It had now spread to even his toes. He wriggled them, in an attempt to shake the feeling off.

He growled in frustration and thought back to the club. But now, it was empty, save Naruto and himself.

_He was sitting on a large comfy sofa, facing Naruto. The blonde was swaying on the dance floor to that song he so loves. He was putting on a show for him, dancing in that unbelievably raunchy outfit. The surrounding lights illuminated the blonde in a way that left very little to the imagination. He looked straight at Sasuke with hooded blue eyes and sauntered over, swaying his hips seductively._

_Placing his arms around Sasuke's neck, Naruto climbed into his lap. He was straddling him, with his thighs on either side of Sasuke. Slim fingers popped the top button on that ridiculous excuse of a shirt, making it pool around the blonde's shoulders. Sasuke ran his hands over the smooth skin exposed before his greedy eyes._

_Not satisfied, he brought his hands down and grabbed that slender waist, pushing up the blonde's shirt in the process. He pulled the Naruto toward him, grinding the blonde's hips to his own. Naruto gave a throaty gasp and started moving on his own._

_Sasuke simply placed his hands on the blonde's warm thighs and lent back for the show. He saw Naruto throw his head back, blonde hair falling every which way. The arms around his shoulders tightened with the increase in speed of the blonde's gyrating hips. He was getting a fucking lap dance._

_Then, Naruto gave up the tempo and simply started moving back and forth, tiny gasps and moans escaping those pink lips. Ten minutes of humping later, Naruto came, back arched, tightening his thighs around Sasuke and releasing a loudest moan yet._

Sasuke snapped his eyes open and looked at his hands covered in white.

It had taken him approximately fifteen minutes to water his cactus harder than he had ever before in his life.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto was missing. The note he found told him that he had already left to the office, and that he had made breakfast for him, which was to be found on the table.

Sasuke eagerly lifted the tray, anticipating a delicious breakfast and instead seeing a bowl of chopped up fruits and a glass of milk. He groaned at the unfairness of it all.

As soon as he entered his cabin, he was greeted by a slightly blushing blonde. Naruto smiled nervously and rubbed the back of his head, "I'm sorry about last night. I don't hold my liquor well"

Sasuke smirked, running his eyes over the blonde, remembering that nubile body garbed in provocative clothing, "Never mind. I loved the show"

He also loved the brilliant blush that overcame the blonde's pretty face. Ignoring the glare that accompanied it and the muttered complementary, "Perv"

Naruto got up, threw a "I'm going to find Gaara" over his shoulder and left.

Sasuke all but crashed into his beloved chair, leaning back with his hands behind his head. He wondered what the red head was still doing in the office. He'll have to ask Itachi.

And as if summoned, Itachi walked into his cabin. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Itachi always grips at him for entering without permission, while doing the same to him. He was about to voice out an insult when another person walked inside.

Sasuke grinned and jumped to his feet, "Kakashi. Long time no see"

The other man smiled under his mask and nodded, "Sasuke"

Sasuke knew Kakashi as the coolest martial arts teacher on the planet. He had met him when he was high school and at one point practically started living in the man's studio. It had been a really hot summer day, Sasuke being bored, came up with the brilliant idea of throwing rotten eggs on stranger's houses. And of course he had to drag Neji along as an accomplice. Unfortunately, the first house they picked turned out to be Kakashi's. They got their asses handed to them before being forced to clean the entire compound.

Later on they started following the man everywhere, pleading him to teach them. After a month of being stalked, Kakashi finally gave in. The gruff man grew to like Sasuke and Neji and soon they even started hanging out together, even to pick up women.

Sasuke had found a kinship with Kakashi, especially when it came to all things perverted.

"How are you?" Kakashi smiled at his student.

"Fantastic. Actually, better than fantastic." Sasuke couldn't keep the excitement from his voice.

Kakashi recognized the manic grin on Sasuke's face – It was that of a pervert with an awesome new target.

Neji had joined them ten minutes later, after Itachi informed him about Kakashi's visit. He smiled at the other man who nodded back, glad to see both his students after a long time.

Neji spoke with a grin, regressing back to his slightly lesser mature version in the company of his teacher, "Been meaning to congratulate you on your thriving business. Though I have no idea how you get any job done"

Kakashi looked confused.

Sasuke grinned and elaborated, he really missed these conversations, "I didn't know you had such babes over at your office"

Kakashi's one visible eyebrow furrowed, "Who?"

Sasuke hurried with his reply, nearly spitting them out in his haste to get to the good part of the conversation, "The bodyguard you sent over"

"Two of them are here actually", Neji added throwing an eager glance at Sasuke, who raised his eyebrows. Ah, so that's why Gaara was still here.

He turned back to Kakashi, practically bouncing in his seat, he was absolutely sure his teacher would come up with the perfect tactic to bed the blonde bombshell, the man was a genius when it came to these things, "Yeah. Absolute perfection. Totally fuckable"

Neji, having contracted Sasuke's enthusiasm, blurted out happily,"We even have a bet on who's going to get laid first"

Kakashi, looking back and forth between the two little pervs that he inadvertently help create, was still feeling as lost as ever, "What are you two talking about? I haven't sent any of my employees over"

Just then, Naruto entered followed by Gaara. The blonde's eyes went saucer wide and he exclaimed very, very loudly, "Dad!? What are you doing here?"

The man being addressed looked as shocked as the blonde, "Naruto?! I could ask you the same thing."

It was then Sasuke's turn to be shocked, "Dad!?"

Kakashi turned murderous eyes toward them.

Sasuke knew that Kakashi had a son. Not his own, but adopted. The orphaned son of his teacher's teacher. Sasuke had never met the boy, who had been in boarding school in some foreign country, Suna if he remembered correctly. If there was one person that Kakashi cared about, it was his son. He was also insanely protective of him.

_Uh Oh._

While Sasuke was looking for a way out to come out of this alive, Neji was trying to ensure that his own neck would remain unbroken, "I just want you to know that I had no such intention toward Naruto, only Gaara"

Kakashi replied in a deathly calm voice, "I'm Gaara's guardian"

_Fuck._

* * *

Come nightfall, Sasuke and Neji found themselves in the company's empty parking lot.

Kakashi had two wooden hockey sticks in his hands. He gave one to Sasuke.

"Hold it behind your head"

Sasuke placed it behind his neck, holding on to both ends of the stick in a white knuckled grip. He didn't know what was about to happen, but he was sure that at the end of it, he was going to be in a considerable amount of pain.

He almost didn't catch Kakashi's punch to his stomach; the stick broke in half and fell to the floor.

He followed, curling up and coughing.

He was right. Considerable amount of pain, received.

Kakashi then handed the other stick to Neji who gulped.

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Thank you for the Subscriptions/Kudos/Bookmarks.

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

 **warning:**  Foul language, AU, lack of fantasies, killer intents, exclamation points.

* * *

Naruto sat on the couch, pouting and refusing to accept that he was pouting. Gaara was in a state very similar to his own, even though to outsiders, he might look a little less pouty.

Their dad was pacing in front of them, looking furious. The man's hands were in fists. Even his ridiculous mask was off, showing clearly the displeasure evident on his face. Even his hair looked angry.

Naruto chuffed, finding the picture amusing. Gaara seemed to agree with a scoff of his own.

This wasn't new after all. They often got themselves into situations that might make a lesser man cry in anguish. Kakashi, being made of sterner stuff, had to only suffer through his hair turning white.

Their amusement earned them a look of anger from the aforementioned white haired dad.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "You weren't even supposed to be here"

That stopped the man in his tracks to face them fully. He spoke in a nearly shocked voice, " **I'm**  not supposed to be here?!  **I'm**  not supposed to be here? What about you two? Weren't you supposed to be in Suna?"

Gaara, deciding that there was too much drama involved drawled out, "You're over reacting again"

Kakashi closed his eyes and rubbed them. After thinking himself to be sufficiently calm he spoke, "Why aren't you in Suna?"

"We were bored"

"Why are you here?"

"It's not boring here"

"Why do they think you are bodyguards?"

"We told them that we were"

"Why did you tell them that you were bodyguards?"

"We wanted to."

"Why did you want to?"

"We were bored"

Kakashi gritted his teeth and looked at his two sons, for he saw Gaara also as his own child as he did Naruto. His two sons, who despite their cherubic appearances, were anything but angelic.

Kakashi would swear that he had aged twice as fast just trying to keep up with their antics. He couldn't for the life of him, understand why they felt the need to rebel at every chance they got.

Naruto seeing their poor father look like he was about to pop a blood vessel, took one of his arms and made him sit on the couch between Gaara and him.

"Dad. I told you. We want to be bodyguards"

"And I told you no."

"Why not?"

"Because I told you so"

Kakashi enjoyed his moment of having turned the tables. It was brief.

"Well, that's not enough"

Naruto got up, standing in front of his father with his arms crossed. He looked at Gaara pointedly, who sighed and took up a similar position next to the blonde.

They had hoped to show their dad that they were serious about this. Unfortunately, the reaction they got was a widening of his eyes.

"What the hell are you wearing?!"

* * *

Needless to say, the conversation continued a little longer.

Kakashi walked through the office, cutting across the soon to be dead pervert's (Sasuke's) department. He went into Sasuke's cabin, to have little talk with the pervert and the pervert's pervert friend.

Sasuke and Neji were still on the couch that they had been sitting on when Kakashi had first walked into the office.

After glaring at them with killer intent, the white haired man had promptly walked out, dragging Naruto and Gaara by their arms to God knew where.

Sasuke didn't know what Kakashi had asked them. Or what they had told him. All he knew was that his day of reckoning had arrived. He closed his eyes with his hands discreetly steepled in front of him.

Neji was shocked when he saw that, "Are you praying?!"

Sasuke didn't open his eyes "Shut up"

Neji had a tendency to ramble when he was scared out of his fucking mind.

"I don't think God's going to take a call from you"

"Shut up"

"You are praying to  **God**  right?"

"Stop talking"

"Because I don't think that's the way to ask for a favor from the other guy"

"Neji."

"I think it involves human sacrifice"

"Stop – "

"Or a crow. I forget which"

" – Talking"

"Either way, it involves blood"

"Shut up" Sasuke caught Neji by his collar and shook him hard.

"Are you going to kill me?"

"No. That's my job" Both of them froze at the deep voice and turned as one to face their executioner.

Kakashi was a laid back man. It took a lot to get him to lose his cool. You call him names, he'll brush it off. You try to hit him, he'll block it and smile infuriatingly, throw eggs on his home, and he'll make you clean it up. Hit on his kids, he'll fucking kill you.

As freakishly big as Sasuke and even Neji were, Kakashi was unbelievably, even bigger. And stronger. And seeing as the man was the one who actually taught them whatever they knew about fighting, they were smart to be a little worried for their lives, for if there was one person who could beat the ever living crap out of them, it was Kakashi. The father of the two babes they had planned to bang.

Kakashi was also known for carrying deadly weapons. Even though he didn't need it. They had seen firsthand Kakashi disable a man with a used pen refill. Another time with a tooth pick. It had looked very, very painful. Very.

Kakashi stood in front of them, his jaw muscles flexing in anger. They could see his biceps move with the way he was clenching his fists.

Both Sasuke and Neji steepled their hands and started mumbling.

* * *

Kiba, sensing a sort of shift in the air, cautiously went inside Sasuke's cabin to investigate. He paused when he saw the huge stranger.

"Uh. Boss?"

Sasuke gritted out, "Go away Inuzuka"

As grateful as he was for Kiba sticking his neck out to check on him, he didn't want any more casualties.

He nearly flinched when Kakashi droned, "That's not the way to treat your employees Sasuke."

Kakashi then turned toward Kiba, "Does he always treat you like this?"

Kiba, now in utter awe of the stranger, answered immediately, "Worse than this."

He saw his evil boss sweat under the man's stare and looked at the man with wide starry eyes. He had found his new hero. The man spoke to him, and Kiba held onto each word like a child to Santa Clause.

"What's your name?"

"Kiba sir"

"Tell me Kiba. What's your favorite sport?"

"Hockey sir"

Kakashi nodded, "I'm going to borrow your boss and his friend for the rest of the day. Is there anything you need to ask him?"

Sasuke looked at Kiba, furiously sending out an SOS signal with the intensity of his glare.

Kiba didn't even bother looking at him. His wonder filled eyes were completely trained on the white haired man in front of him – The white haired man who had come to deliver them from the tyranny of the Uchiha demon.

He shook his head, "No sir"

The man smiled and patted him on his head sending him on his way. Kiba rushed out, eager to tell his co-workers the great news. Their prophesied savior had come for them. The Prophesy had been fulfilled!

The Uchiha employees, after binging on nothing but sugar and coffee and under severe sleep deprivation, had one day snapped as a group and had begun having delusions of a prophesied savior that would slay the youngest Uchiha demon/vile creature/mean ogre and would deliver their souls.

Itachi, when he had come to hear of that, had arranged for intense therapy sessions. When Sasuke had heard it, he had preened at the compliment. The employees had undergone the therapy sessions. But, the delusion had stayed.

Itachi's concern for the sanity of their employees had increased since then. Sasuke had seen no difference. But since he was slightly unhinged as well, Itachi hadn't really considered his opinion.

* * *

Naruto and Gaara hovered near the elevator, waiting for their homicidal father. They were concerned when they saw the man dragging Sasuke and Neji by the scruff of their necks and entering the elevator.

Naruto was the first one to react, "Where are you going?"

Kakashi answered with a bright smile, completely offsetting the look of terror on his two captive's faces, "To play hockey"

He added as an afterthought, "Stay here till I get back"

* * *

So, Naruto and Gaara found themselves alone in Uchiha Corp.

Naruto groaned, "You think they're alive?"

Gaara voice was steady, but you one could see that he was worried too, "It is possible"

"Dad needs to give us some slack"

"Like that's going to happen"

Naruto groaned again, "He's going to blow a fuse if he finds out about us getting drunk"

He noticed Gaara's shifty eyes.

"What?'

"Nothing"

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Well…"

"What damn it"

"It wasn't the alcohol"

"Huh?"

"I added a little something"

Naruto blinked for a couple of minutes before it dawned on him.

"You drugged me?" He nearly screeched.

"Keep your voice down. And not just you. I took some too"

"Why in the world would you do that?"

"I wanted you to cut loose for once"

"Yeah, but not that loose"

"Oh it wasn't that bad"

"We made out Gaara" He dead panned.

Gaara rolled his eyes," You're just worried about what lover boy thinks of you."

Naruto blushed, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Naruto loves Sasuke. " Gaara declared in a singsong voice.

"You're still drunk aren't you?"

"Just a bit"

* * *

"What's taking them so long?"

"He probably needs to hide the bodies"

Naruto laughed, and then asked him warily, "He wouldn't have actually killed them would he?"

"Of course not"

Neither of them felt all that assured.

* * *

Kakashi finally returned. Alone.

"Where are they?"

"Around"

He took them by their arms again and dragged them.

Naruto pulled free and rounded on him angrily, "Where are they dad?"

"Alive"

He nearly yelled in frustration, "Where?'

"Why does it matter?"

"Naruto likes Sasuke" Gaara enjoyed annoying Naruto as any good sibling would.

"Do not"

"Do too"

"Do not"

"Do too"

Kakashi felt his head ache and wondered how much this would shorten his lifespan.

"Gaara likes Neji" Naruto retaliated.

"Do not"

"Do too"

"Ok fine. I do"

After a long pause, and unable to think of a better comeback Naruto replied.

"I like Sasuke too then"

Kakashi exploded, "Neither of you like neither of them"

Having succeeded in pissing the fuck off their dad, Naruto used the chance to pick up their previous thread of conversation, "What did you do to them?"

"Why does it matter?"

"They are our clients. Of course it matters"

"No they are not. You two aren't even registered. You're lucky the company hasn't sued you for fraud"

"Itachi would never do that"

Gaara, joined in on the interrogation, "Where. Are. They?"

Naruto tried reasoning with the man, "They didn't do anything wrong"

Kakashi, finally having had enough, used his trump card.

"They have a wager on who would bed you first"

"They what?!"

* * *

"Unbelievable. They made a bet?!"

A long silence.

"We're gonna get back at them right?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely."

* * *

Sasuke had uncurled himself and got up from the concrete floor of the parking lot. They had stumbled around for some time before climbing into Sasuke's car and finally making it to Sasuke's apartment.

Neji very nearly cried at the thought of having to sleep on 'the couch from hell'. He rushed into the room, in an attempt to pilfer the bed for himself.

Sasuke harboring thoughts of a similar nature, followed closely.

Roughhousing was hindered by their bruised ribs, possibly ruptured kidneys and black eyes. Therefore, they finally decided to just fuck it and flopped on the bed, breadth wise, so that they were each half on the bed and half off.

Neji wheezed out, "You need more furniture"

"Not if I die"

"Of course you won't. Kakashi will take Gaara and Naruto and leave."

The 'And we'll never see them again' hung in the air unspoken.

Neither of them voiced out the disappointment that they felt at that. Sasuke wondered what that would mean to his love life (sex life), since he couldn't seem to get himself all that interested in anything that didn't resemble Naruto.

"Guess I'll have to water my own cactus from now"

* * *

The next day they woke up to a shrill ring from Neji's phone. It went on to play "I'm a Barbie girl"

He glared at Sasuke "Stop messing with my ring tone asshole"

Sasuke shrugged, "It suits you"

Neji, deciding that he needn't voice out the 'fuck you' explicitly, simply answered the call. Sasuke watched as Neji's eyes widened and got just a tad worried. Neji shot up out of the bed and started getting ready, "Hinata's in the hospital"

That moved Sasuke too.

They started fighting for first rights for a shower. Then again, decided to just fuck it and leave.

Hinata was Neji's cousin, possible the only person from his extended family who cared about him. Neji was very fond of her and saw her almost like a sibling.

And so did Sasuke by extension. She was one of the few girls that he hadn't tried to bed. The fact that Neji would have ripped out his dick if he had, had also played a part in the decision.

They hurried into the hospital, nearly crashing Sasuke's car through the main entrance and scaring the pants off of everybody in the area. Their appearance did not make matters easier.

After assuring the personnel that they weren't escaped mental patients and/or terrorists, they made their way to the room where Hinata was in.

Neji rushed to her side while Sasuke hung back. He gently took one of her hands and spoke softly, "Hinata?"

She opened her eyes.

"It's going to be ok"

"What?"

"Everything's going to be ok"

"Neji?"

He smiled beatifically at his cousin.

The beautiful and touching moment was nullified by Hinata's angry voice, "I told you specifically not to come here"

"How can I not? But don't worry. It's going to be ok"

She groaned, "Oh God. Neji! It's a sprain. Of course it's going to be ok"

Sasuke spoke, "A sprain?" Of all the cotton picking – He hadn't even gotten a bath yet. And to make matters worse, it didn't look like there were any pretty nurses nearby.

Hinata matched Sasuke's irritated look, "Yes. An ankle sprain"

Neji ignored both of their looks and defended himself, "It could be a symptom of something more serious."

Sasuke wanted to punch him "Of what? You being annoying?"

Neji glared at him.

"She has a sprain. As tragic as that is, I'm sure she can handle it."

"Sasuke's right. I told you clearly just so that you wouldn't panic and barge in" she added with a glare of her own at Neji "like you just did"

"Oh really? And who's going to take care of you? How exactly are you going to get home when you can't even walk?"

"My boyfriend"

This caught both Sasuke and Neji's attention, especially Neji's, "You have a boyfriend? Why didn't you tell me that?"

"Why? So you can scare him off like my every other boyfriend?"

"Scare him?" Neji laughed a laugh so fake that it was painful simply to hear "I'm just going to –" He looked around discreetly for something that could be used as a weapon " – have a talk with him"

Sasuke could easily guess his friend's thought process. And him being just as protective of Hinata and even more insane, started adding his own ideas to their get together with Hinata's new boyfriend.

"Sorry I took so long. Damn vending machine kept eating up all my quarters"

"Inuzuka?!"

Kiba stopped short, wide eyed at having his nightmare come true.

Sasuke turned toward Hinata, shocked, "This is your boyfriend?"

Neji growled at Kiba, "You're dating my cousin?!"

Kiba knowing Hinata's full name (Hinata Hyuga), was completely aware that she was related to Neji Hyuga. He also knew that his life could be forfeit if the news that he was dating her ever went to Neji's ears. He was in love with Hinata and was ready to take the risk. But just as a precaution, he had been careful of keeping her identity a secret. Up and until now that is. He had thought that Neji was the stable one in the company.

Neji came charging at him.

Obviously he had been wrong.

He scrunched his face for the impact. Kiba opened his eyes at the lack of pain, just in time to see Sasuke hold Neji back.

Kiba sighed in relief at the unexpected display of 'matureness' from his boss.

Sasuke hissed at Neji, "Don't hog him to yourself. We both should get a chance to pulverize him"

Kiba took in the crappy appearance of both Sasuke and Neji. They looked like something had chewed them and spat back them out. He guessed that it must be from the meeting with Naruto's dad.

Kiba had found out very quickly that the office's new savior had been in fact Naruto and Gaara's dad. Of sorts. He had also heard, through the rumor mill, of what had transpired in the parking lot.

Though Kiba had heard of the man like a legend in Suna, in the form of complaints from Naruto and Gaara, he had never actually met him. Untill now, when he had apparently helped in the beating up of both his boss and his equally crazy friend.

_'Oh man'_

* * *

Kiba crossed his arms and glared at the kids pointing and laughing at him. It was hard to do, what with being suspended from an equipment hook in a remote part of the hospital cafeteria.

The two crazy sociopaths had grabbed him, after promising Hinata that they would not outright kill him or cause bleeding or irreparable damage to his person.

This was the end result.

Kiba still thought it was worth it. He was going to have the broken hockey sticks gilded and mounted on a wall in his home.

He smiled when he saw Hinata hobble toward him slowly, with an embarrassed and apologetic smile on her face.

_'Totally worth it'_

* * *

Itachi leaned back in his favorite chair. It had been custom made for him. The previous one had been much cheaper and still just as comfortable, but his thrice cursed sibling had stolen it from his office.

He sighed mentally and closed his eyes for strength when his cabin door opened and in walked Kakashi, his two sons and the two deviants who were after his two sons.

Even with Sasuke and Neji standing near him, Kakashi still looked very imposing. Naruto and Gaara however, were the ones who looked the angriest.

They had told him the truth yesterday. So, he wasn't angry. Knowing that they were the charges of the Kakashi Hatake had been reference enough. The identification that they had bought in had been well made, but fake. But Itachi had let it pass. After all, if they had to stick to the rules, Sasuke should have gone to a juvenile detention center.

Their background checks had come back squeaky clean, apart from the minor bump here and there. He had let that pass too, since, again, Sasuke.

He hadn't thought that Kakashi would be this opposed to them working here. Then again, he should have expected it. Since, well, Sasuke. And Neji too apparently.

"May I help you?"

"Naruto and Gaara are quitting their jobs at Uchiha Corp"

Gaara drawled, "No we are not"

Itachi raised his eyebrows at Kakashi.

Kakashi raised his voice at his sons, which surprised even Itachi. He had known Kakashi for a long time, even before Sasuke had met him. He was a family friend. The Uchihas had met Kakashi through Naruto's biological father – Minato Namikazi who in turn had been friends with Itachi and Sasuke's father – Fugaku Uchiha.

Sasuke having been estranged from his family emotionally hadn't really tried to get to know all of his family's friends. Him meeting Kakashi had been a complete coincidence and knew of the man's connection with his family much later.

The whole web of relationships is slightly convoluted, as it usually was when the Uchiha's are involved.

The Uchiha's had considered adopting little Naruto into their own family. Itachi was glad that it hadn't come to pass, because… Sasuke.

Besides, Kakashi was a good father. Albeit a little overprotective apparently.

"Yes you are. I don't want you two anywhere near  **this** "

The ' **this'** in the statement was in reference to Sasuke and Neji who were ignoring the rude finger pointing to their faces and instead staring the wall behind Itachi desolately.

It was Naruto who raised his voice this time, "We are twenty three dad! We can take care of ourselves"

Itachi felt that the blonde had a valid point. Afterall, he had stayed with Sasuke so far and had remained unviolated (he hoped). That was a huge achievement.

Kakashi shook his head, "You don't know what they're capable of"

And  **he**  however did know. He had taught them more than half the stuff they knew and it wasn't all related to fighting. Kakashi, alone in a new town and thoroughly missing his sons, had taken to Sasuke and Neji of all people for friendship. Their friendship grew over the years and by the time the boys hit their twenties, Kakashi, he was ashamed to admit, had joined them in their women hunting.

So he knew just what they were capable of and also in part afraid that his sweet innocent sons would come to know of his own perversion.

Sasuke, feeling that he ought to defend himself or lose his chance to be with Naruto, panicked and blurted out, "We aren't like that anymore."

At Kakashi, Itachi and even Neji's skeptical looks, he amended, "Ok, we are. But we never did or even thought of them with anything other than respect. And I'm not a very good liar when it comes to these things"

Both of the things he said were lies.

And everybody in the room knew that.

Sasuke thought that maybe he really should start worrying about his reputation.

He tried again, "Hey, we didn't take advantage of them when they got drunk"

Kakashi snapped around to his sons, outraged, "You got drunk!?"

Now with more than two people glaring at him, one of them being Naruto, Sasuke decided that maybe he should start shutting up.

"Did you get them drunk?" Itachi asked thoughtfully.

Sasuke, wide eyed, scrambled with his answer when he saw Kakashi pull back his fist, "No no no no"

Kakashi went back to glaring at his sons again.

Sasuke glared at the smirk on his evil brother's face.

"We all went to the club together didn't we?"

"You went to a club?!"

_He really should start shutting up._

* * *

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	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** Thank you for the Subscriptions/Comments/Kudos/Bookmarks.

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Naruto.

**warning:**  Foul language, AU, ass kickery, past perversion, bad ass blonde.

* * *

Kakashi after confronting his charges, subjected them to a horrendously long lecture about fraternizing with degenerates (Sasuke and Neji) while imbibing poisonous liquids (alcohol) in dens of sin (the club).

He was taking them, most unwillingly, to one of his homes in Konoha. Being the owner of a reputed security firm had enabled him financially sound enough to afford more than one place to stay in his large home city. And unlike his preferred studio, this one was big enough to house him and his two sons. It was a large building with plenty of lawn space both front and back and also to park his car.

He ignored his gloomy and sullen faced sons and continued on with his lecture. It was no wonder that people considered him quiet. Most of his words were used up on Naruto and Gaara.

Kakashi vaguely wondered if any of his precious words were taken heed of by them and looked at the rear view mirror above his head at his sons, both of whom were strapped in the back seat, complete with crossed legs, crossed arms, pressed lips, narrowed eyes and glares out the window.

Somehow, he doubted it.

* * *

Naruto and was in the middle of an attempt to make Kakashi understand that he was being too controlling and that he didn't really listen to what anyone else had to say.

" – monitoring everything we were doing even when we were in Suna"

"That's ridiculous. How could I even do that?"

Kakashi was in the middle of an attempt to make Naruto and Gaara accept that he wasn't what they were saying that he was…whatever that was.

"Everytime you heard that I was going out with someone, you'd show up and all of a sudden they'd just disappear"

Kakashi chuckled, "You make it sound like I killed them" Kakashi wished that he could. Too bad it was illegal.

Naruto narrowed his eyes at the man sitting in front of him, who wasn't even bothering to look at him and instead was reading the newspaper. That only served to infuriate the blonde even more.

"That's it."

That was all the warning Kakashi got before he saw Naruto pick up a bag he hadn't noticed and open the door to walk out.

Kakashi's eyes widened and he hurriedly put down the paper, "Where do you think you're going?"

"To Sasuke's apartment"

"Like hell you are."

"Why not? Gaara's already left to go to Neji's"

"He's what?"

Only then did Kakashi looked around and noticed the redhead's lack of presence and regretted for the thousandth time for teaching his sons about stealth.

* * *

Naruto was about to enter the apartment followed closely by Kakashi.

"Naruto, stop"

"Will you calm down? He's a decent guy"

* * *

Sasuke came out of his bath relaxed and missing the blonde. He also missed owning clean clothes for once and that was why he was currently garbed only in a towel.

* * *

Kakashi was trying his best to tell his baby boy that the fiend behind the door right in front of them was not to be trusted. But he was finding it hard to do, seeing as he had also partaken in many of the nefarious activities that he wanted to accuse Sasuke of committing.

…But not that hard.

"Remember your old homeroom teacher?"

Naruto smiled remembering the beautiful and kind woman, "Yeah"

"He slept with her"

The blonde's smile dimmed, "Well –"

"And her step daughter"

"Dad –"

"And her sister-in-law"

"I don't want to hear –"

"At the same time"

Naruto sighed and spared a glance at his frazzled father, "Gaara told me you did the same thing with my English teacher"

And then, leaving Kakashi to gape in solitude, he pushed the door open.

* * *

Sasuke looked around. Not long ago, he could walk naked in his apartment when he was alone, and sometimes in company. That was before Naruto had come to stay with him. He now had that chance again. He was alone. He would go naked in his own freaking apartment.

He had his towel half way off when the door swung open to show Naruto's and Kakashi's horrified faces.

He hurriedly tied his towel back on, thanking every star in the sky for stopping before he had gotten the towel off all the way. Since he was a gracious host, Sasuke welcomed them with a shaky smile and stepped forward, "Welcome"

He didn't notice his towel get caught in something and fall down.

Though Kakashi would never ever even under threat of death, would never confess as such, that was not the first time he had seen Sasuke in a complete state of undress. Neji, Sasuke and Kakashi had been very drunk at the time and had gotten into a 'who's the bigger man' contest. It may or may not have involved a measuring tape.

So Kakashi sacrificed his own retinas to instead cover his precious son's baby blues.

* * *

They all found themselves arguing in front of Itachi again.

He looked tiredly at the five men arguing in front of him and started to understand why his father had been so keen on handing over the reins to him.

Itachi was beginning to wish that he was working in a different branch somewhere on the other side of the country… or the planet.

Just then there was a loud commotion somewhere at the entrance of the building. All of them rushed there wondering what could cause such a ruckus apart from Sasuke.

Apparently one of the employees had garnered quite a debt and the person who had lent the money was one of less than respectable reputation whose goons had been sent to collect the money.

There were six guys, all of them built like gorillas on steroids.

Itachi's headache increased by one whole notch. He faced who looked like the leader before talking, "I suggest you take your presence elsewhere. This is not the place for your business"

The man chuckled. That pissed off Sasuke who stepped up and declared, "Get the fuck out before we'll throw you out."

While everyone had their attention trained on the exchange in front of them, a seventh goon got behind Naruto and grabbed him using the crook of his arm around the blonde's neck, holding him back to chest.

Don't worry little boy. I won't hurt you" he smirked, "Too much"

Naruto was getting really tired of being treated like he was some soggy helpless little kitten.

He clutched the arm around his neck with both his hands and swung around, twisting it in the process. He then took a long moment to savor the high pitched scream that emitted from the man before Naruto moved.

Gaara wasn't far behind.

* * *

Sasuke and Neji looked on as the blonde and the redhead made the goons drop like flies. Naruto gave a roundhouse kick to the head goon who lost more than one tooth.

Sasuke saw every blurry move with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.

"Holy crap that's hot"

Neji was too busy looking at the redhead delivering deft punches left and right.

* * *

Sasuke couldn't get the scenes of Naruto fighting out of his mind. He wanted to fight the blonde himself. To have all that focused rage concentrated on him.

Yes, he was a little insane.

Sasuke moseyed over to Naruto and drawled "That was cute n'all but that won't be enough to be my bodyguard"

"Yeah right"

"I'm serious. You need to be more skilled than your client." He shrugged, smirk widening when he saw Naruto get angry. "You're easy on the eyes but you can't seriously think that you can beat me"

"I can totally beat you." The blonde narrowed his eyes, "Bring it on pretty boy."

"Fine. If you can get five hits on me, you can be a bodyguard"

Naruto grinned, "Done"

* * *

They were in a sort of makeshift fighting ring in one of the conference rooms. Itachi was chosen as the judge. Neji and Gaara were standing nearby, shaking their heads at the complete immaturity of the whole affair. Kakashi had been against the fight in the beginning, but then acquiesced when he realized that it would give him a valid reason to beat up Sasuke later.

Sasuke grinned when he saw Naruto in front of him. The blonde was in form fitting clothes that nudged Sasuke's imagination in all the right places.

"How about after the fight we go somewhere a little more private?" He raised one eyebrow.

Naruto remained silent. He was completely focused and looked totally pissed off.

"You know. You look really hot when you're angry"

When the signal sounded, Sasuke saw a foot coming his way.

* * *

Sasuke opened his eyes warily. It felt like he had the worse hangover ever, multiplied by a hundred. He saw Neji sitting next to him and smirking.  _The bastard._

"What happened?"

"He knocked you out"

"Who?"

"Naruto"

"Huh?"

"The fight. One kick and you were down"

Sasuke immensely resented his best friend's amused tone at his pain, but let it pass when he remembered that he had done the same, on several occasions, in the face of Neji's misery.

"So, Naruto's staying then?"

"I guess"

"Good"

Sasuke sighed and started at the yellow wallpaper on the opposite wall. It reminded him of Naruto's hair, though it was a shade lighter.

"You gonna fight Gaara?"

Neji scoffed, "Yeah right"

* * *

Kakashi looked at an excited Naruto nearly bouncing on his heels and grinning, "So, I'm a bodyguard"

"No", Kakashi replied flatly.

Naruto was outraged, "What! I totally kicked his ass"

"You didn't land five hits on him. You were four short"

"Wha – Why the hell does that matter? I knocked him out" The blonde nearly screeched.

Kakashi sighed and placed both hands on his son's shoulders and spoke in a sage like voice, "Sometimes you would need to prolong the fight for…" he blinked thinking hard"… some reasons that I cannot yet reveal"

Naruto, having several years of experience in handling Kakashi's brand of bull crap droned with hooded eyes, "That is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard"

Kakashi scrambled to come up with something new, "By being stronger than him, you become weaker"

"I stand corrected.  **That**  is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

* * *

The squabbling went on for much much longer before Itachi got bored of the whole fucking situation.

"They can work here as publicists"

They all looked at him and he sighed, annoyed that he would have to repeat himself.

"You can use your degrees, you won't be in direct danger. But since you are involved with them, it will be a tough job and close enough to being bodyguards"

Itachi knew, with acute precision, exactly how ridiculous that sounded. But he didn't care. Naruto saw a chance to get what he wanted and gave an affirmative reply. Gaara, being the sneakier one of the two, was confident that he would find other ways to get what he wanted anyway and so gave his silent acceptance. Sasuke and Neji, seeing an opportunity to get close to former pair, reveled in joy. That left Kakashi.

"I don't want them near perv and pervier"

Itachi rubbed his forehead so hard, he was surprised that his skin hadn't come off, "You can stay too. Keep an eye on them. We need onsite security in any case, seeing as one half of them resigned without reason" Here Itachi glared at Sasuke, who gave an angelic smile back at him.

Most of the men in security could not take anymore of Sasuke's more than crazy antics and had enlisted in the Konoha's army instead, having decided that fighting a war against armed enemies a much safer option in comparison.

Itachi, being the patient man that he was, waited to see if any of the morons in front of him had any more complaints and had a private celebration in his head when they didn't and kicked them out.

* * *

Sasuke went into his cabin, and saw the cat from before sitting on top of his desk again. He debated chasing it away, but then felt it too much of an effort and gave up. He missed Manda. Manda seemed to miss Itachi however and Sasuke dropped him off at Itachi's place again.

He thought that he probably should Inform Itachi about Manda being in his home and then shrugged. He was sure that Itachi would probably find out on his own anyway. Sasuke looked at the cat with narrowed eyes and then paused. He didn't really hate cats, maybe he could even become friends with it.

The cat, on seeing the tall human approach and raise a hand to stroke its fur, promptly lifted its tail and nose in the air and jumped down the desk before exiting the cabin.

Sasuke, now rejected by even a cat and feeling like he was thoroughly out of his game, grumbled and slumped into his chair. He grumbled harder when Neji walked in and snickered at his black eye.

* * *

Sasuke was at his desk, leaning back on his chair. Neji was sitting in front of him on the opposite side of his desk, subtly laughing at Sasuke's black eye every now and then.

"The score is one to eight" Neji said with a smirk, "You know, in case you wanted to know"

Sasuke didn't.

"Although at this point, Kakashi being here makes it one to a million"

Sasuke glared harder at the ceiling.

Sasuke's ignoring of Neji was rudely interrupted by Itachi barging into his office. He was then followed by Naruto, Gaara and Kakashi. Sasuke avoided staring at Naruto lest Kakashi decided to add another black eye to his collection.

Itachi was the one to first break the silence, "Get out. This is Naruto and Gaara's office now"

Sasuke was an Uchiha and therefore a possessive bastard.

"No fucking way. I am attached to this office. It inspires me"

It gave him the perfect view of the numerous short skirted girls walking outside on the street.

The two brothers glared at each other fiercely.

Neji irritated with the whole thing, and recognizing the chance to seem mature in front of Gaara offered a suggestion, "They can have my office"

Sasuke snapped his head toward his friend astonished, "You have an office?"

Neji, seeing Gaara's amused expression glared at his asshole friend's effective ruining of his magnanimity.

"Yes" he hissed, "Where else would I be working from?"

Sasuke blinked, "You work here?"

Itachi stepped in before Neji could kill Sasuke, since that might leave blood stains on his shoes.

"Thank you Neji"

Neji nodded at Itachi and smiled when he saw Gaara making eyes at him which literally wilted when Kakashi glared at him.

After they had left his cabin Neji rounded on Sasuke, "What the fuck asshole. Why would I be here if I didn't work here?" He growled in anger, "And you seriously didn't know that I had an office?"

Sasuke blinked back, honestly surprised, "Well, you always seem to be here"

Seeing that his friend was close to throttling him, Sasuke tried calming him down with his usual relaxation technique, "Wanna drink?" He pulled open a draw and put his hand inside, groping blindly for the bottle.

He made a disgusted face on feeling something slimy in his hand. Praying that it wasn't a surprise left by one of the pets from the office, Sasuke pulled out his hand to see a red colored substance.

He rubbed it between his fingers and Neji started at it, bewildered, "Is that –"

Sasuke finished, "Jam"

He rolled his eyes when he realized that it was part of the dare or dare game going on in the office. "This fucking sucks" Though that was not the first time Sasuke had ended up with a sticky substance in his hand, he was in a bad mood.

Every time he seemed to be taking one step forward to getting the blonde, the whole universe seemed to be making him fall flat on his face for the next two.

"The next eight actually" Sasuke glared at Neji when he realized that he had complained out loud and that Neji was once again, amused at his misery.

"You're not doing all that better."

Neji didn't bat an eyelash, "Maybe, but I  **am**  in a much, much better position than you." When Sasuke stayed silent, he continued, "I will win that bet Sasuke. And you will get to eat my famous frittatas" Sasuke shivered. The last time he ate Neji's frittatas, he had ended up comatose for five hours.

He needed to up his game.

* * *

**Please Subscribe/Kudos/Comment/Bookmark if you like the story.**


	10. chapter 10

**A/N:** Hi guys, trying to back to writing regularly again. Still a bit rusty. So, please be a little patient. Thank you very much for the tons of reviews and feedback. That’s what pulled me back to writing again.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

**Warning:** Foul language, AU, perversion, slight mush.

* * *

 

Kiba was not having a good day.

He had woken up with a back ache. Then, he had gotten into a fight with Hinata on the stupidest thing that he couldn’t even remember anymore. Then, he couldn’t find any clean underwear to wear to his godforsaken office run by his demon boss. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, disgusted. Sometimes he wondered how he even managed to get a girl to go out with him for this long.

He was running late and so had to skip his usual breakfast of chocolate flavored cereal, chocolate coated bacon, chocolate, and chocolate milkshake – The Breakfast of Champions™

He ran and skid right in front of the elevator, right in time to see his asshole snot nosed little shit of a neighbor kid smirk like the evil asshole snot nosed little shit that he was and close the elevator doors right in front of his face, completely ignoring his frantic signaling to keep it open.

_“Mother fuc – “_

Not having enough time to finish his cussing, Kiba started running down the stairs. Fifteen flights of stairs later, he reached his car in his building’s parking lot… only to realize that he had forgotten his keys back in his apartment.

Kiba clutched his hair and started yelling at the sky, _“Why?!”_

He then tried catching a cab, which he knew wouldn’t happen because… his life fucking sucked right now. He was about to give up and start walking back to his apartment to think up a lie to skip work when a random dude on a random bike stopped in front of him.

Kiba got slightly freaked out and tried to remember if he owed anybody a lot of money. Getting kidnapped and having his organs stolen would be the cherry on this shit cake of a day he has been having so far.

 And it’s not even lunch time yet.

_“Need a lift?”_

Kiba narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

The guy rolled his eyes _, “Just trying to be a Good Samaritan here.”_

Kiba weighed the pros and cons of accepting the offer. Worst case scenario, if he did get on the bike – he could die. If he didn’t take the ride, he would be massively late to work and Sasuke would call him to his office.

Kiba got on the bike.

* * *

 

Kiba reached office with ten minutes to spare. It looked like his day was finally looking up. He took off his helmet and handed it over to the mystery biker.

_“Hey, thanks dude! I owe you one.”_

The guy gave a deep chuckle, _“Then how about a kiss?”_

The couple of seconds that it took for Kiba to decipher the stranger’s reply was all it took for said stranger to lean and take his payment.  He then flashed the shocked brunette a charming smile and sped off.

Kiba stood there for the next three of the ten minutes he had gained, staring at the quickly disappearing bike weaving in the traffic.

_“What the fuc – “_  

* * *

 Chouji had just reached the front gates of Uchiha Corp when he saw a super awesome bike park near him.

He watched with awe and admiration which turned into confusion when he saw Kiba get off the bike and start talking to the biker with a smile. This then turned into surprise when he saw the biker and Kiba kiss!

Chouji started open mouthed and wide eyed as the biker then sped away leaving Kiba staring at him longingly.  

“What the fuc - “ 

* * *

 Kiba unfroze himself and started walking. The fear of getting reamed by his demon boss for being late was enough to scare anybody out of their traumatized states.  The brunette started walking as fast as he could without looking suspicious. He hunched his shoulders and prayed that no one who knew him had seen what had happened.

_“Hey Kiba!”_

Kiba groaned, _“Oh for fuck’s sake.”_

He stopped and clenched his eyes shut praying that it was someone who wasn’t going to make his life more hellish than it already was. He almost cried in happiness when he saw that it was Chouji.

_“H– Hey Chouji. ‘Sup buddy? Nice day huh? Sunny and bright huh?”_

Chouji chucked nervously, _“Err… yeah buddy. Sure it is.”_

They got into the elevator to have one of the most awkward silences in the history of elevator rides. Five whole motherfucking awkward minutes later, the elevator pinged, signaling that they had arrived at the floor.

Kiba and Chouji walked out in unison.

_“So… I met your new friend today.”_

Kiba winced.  Chouji continued, _“Well, not met exactly. I saw you guys meeting – and – well, it’s – I’m happy for you dude. I would have never guessed that you were gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it or anything – “_

Kiba stopped his rambling before he blew a fuse or something. _“Dude. I don’t know what you saw. But – I can assure you. I’m not gay. I have a girlfriend”_

_Kiba and Chouji had met in college in Suna._

_Kiba had been the typical jock and bully. He was the one who made most of the outcast kids’ lives harder than it already was. And he did it just for fun. When he shifted to Suna, he was still testing the waters and trying to figure out his place in the college food chain. Everything seemed different, with a higher focus on their academics. He had gotten in through his sports scholarship and so was finding it a little difficult to cope up academically._

_When he had first found out that Chouji was going to be his roommate, he had mentally groaned. Chouji seemed like the typical overweight self-conscious teen that Kiba had great fun making fun of in High School. He had been hoping that he would get a fun roommate. Someone who was in the same wavelength as him. Someone with whom he could share his rebellious nature with. Be his partner in crime. Someone who would be there by his side during the best years of his life._

_As he saw Chouji meekly unpack and set aside his things, all his dreams of having the most fun college life ever seem to be going up in smoke. He was sure his college years were going to be boring as fuck._

_Boy was he wrong._

Chouji smiled nervously.

Kiba and Chouji had known each other for years and got along marvelously. They were best friends. But lately it seems like they had been drifting apart, and well, that hurt. So, understandably, he felt a little hurt that Kiba didn’t trust him enough to be honest with him. Didn’t he know that Chouji was better than that? He wasn’t some judgmental homophobic asshole.  But Still, he could understand fear and paranoia. And Chouji was nothing if not supportive.

_“A girlfriend?”_ Chouji asked skeptically. _“Since when?”_

_“Since quite a while now.”_

_“Uh uh. So how come I’m hearing about this just now?”_

_“Because she’s Neji’s cousin. And we were keeping it on the down low. You know, coz Neji and Sasuke would castrate me. “_

_“Riiight.”_   Chouji gave Kiba an indulgent smile _. “Sure. That makes a lot of sense Kiba.“_ They had reached their respective cubicles.

Chouji looked at Kiba in the eyes, said with a very serious voice. _“You know that no one here is going to judge you for being gay right? I’m not going to think any less of you or anything.  And it’s ok to suddenly feel confused about something that you thought you knew about yourself. It’s natural”_

Kiba gave a sigh of frustration. His day could not get any worse. _“Chouji! I know that! But I’m not gay. And I never will be.”_

He looked at Chouji who was looking back at him with a disappointed look in his eyes. He opened his mouth again to say something that he hoped would finally convince his jackass friend.  Just then,  a heavy hand landed on his shoulder, making him nearly jump from his seat. And the voice of his nightmares followed. _“Inuzuka. We need to talk.”_ And then his boss from hell walked away.

Kiba felt like banging his head against his table

_“Mother fuc – “_  

* * *

 Sasuke wasn’t having a particularly good day. He hadn’t gotten anywhere with Naruto. And Neji, the asshole, wouldn’t stop rubbing his face in it.

Sasuke was getting frustrated as hell. Every morning he woke up with the blonde’s image in his mind. He went to sleep, longing that the blonde’s warm body was right there with him under the sheets warming him up as well.  He had taken it upon himself to stalk the blond bombshell around the office. He was only able to get fleeting glimpses of him without running the risk of Kakashi beating him up into a pulp. All in all, he missed Naruto. Terribly. He missed his beautiful smile, his sweet scent, and his playful retorts. He had started missing everything about him. He wondered if the thought of him even crossed the blonde’s mind.

Sasuke missed him dammit! And he was going to sink his pervy claws into that sweet, sweet ass even if it was the last thing that he ever did. Especially if it was the last thing he ever did. Sasuke had to admit, being buried balls deep in the delectable blonde wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

Sasuke sighed, finding his inner resolve, and nodded to himself.

It was time to stop being the nice guy.

Neji looked up from his desk in shock, _“This was you being a nice guy?!”_

Sasuke, as usual, ignored him. Or rather, he was lost in his fantasy with the hot blonde.

 

_They were standing up. Naruto was decked out in that awesomely slutty white shirt, pressed right up against him. Sasuke had his arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Naruto hooked one arm around Sasuke’s neck and ran his other hand down his chest._

_They started kissing. Nartuo bit his lip gently. Sasuke lowered his arms and lifted the blond with a firm grip on the blonde’s wonderfully plush ass. Naruto gave a deep moan and wrapped his long legs around the brunette._

_Sasuke walked them over to his bed and dropped the blonde, who was breathing hard with hooded eyes and was writhing around like a little fox in heat. Sasuke was beyond aroused. He grinned wolfishly and leaned over the hot little minx._

_He removed one button after another of that shirt while the blond continued to squirm around and pant. Sasuke, still smirking like a lunatic, started kissing the minx’s chest. Nartuo then gave another loud moan and arched his back. Sasuke growled and descended on the blonde’s nipple, determined to get the blonde to let out more moans like that.  –_

 

Sasuke broke out of his day time perving with a throbbing pain on the side of his head.  He looked up in time to see Neji looking a little disgusted and pissed at the same time.

Since Neji had given up his office to win the graces of his beloved redhead, he had to take up residence in Sasuke’s office instead. Which meant, he had to share office with the biggest pervert that the city had to offer. Not that Neji wasn’t a deranged pervert himself, but he, at least, didn’t go off into wet dreams every five minutes about Gaara. Well, at least not when he was in the office. That he shared with another person.

As sympathetic as he was about Sasuke’s condition, truth be told, he wasn’t in a very good mood himself. He could tell that Sasuke had fallen hard for Naruto, and had yet to realize it. Normally, he wouldn’t mind Sasuke’s perversions all that much. But lately, he has been feeling rather, angry. He missed Gaara. He hadn’t known the feisty redhead for long, but the little time that they had together had been enough for him to have gotten quite enamored with graceful redhead.

 

Sasuke rubbed his head and noticed the stapler on his table.

_“What the fuck asshole? “_ He was about to throw the stapler back at Neji when he heard the knock on his door and whoever had knocked, opened the door tentatively. It was Inuzuka.

_“You called?”_ ‘Master’, Kiba added in his head, rolling his eyes.

Sasuke turned to Kiba with his poker face and asked him to sit. Kiba hesitated. The whole situation was freaking him out. And so he glanced at Neji, who he considered a the less insane one out of the two, for some reassurance. Neji has his has his poker face on too.

Kiba cursed in his head, _‘God damn it!’_

 Kiba’s always had fantastic instincts ever since he was little. He was used to relying on them for his survival. They had never failed him. And right now they were screaming at him to get the fuck out of the room.  

After five minutes of blank staring, Sasuke decided that he had enough of the fucking staring and started talking, _“You’re going to help me with Naruto.”_

 Kiba raised one eyebrow, _“Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?”_

Neji chimed in, unperturbed, _“And same with me and Gaara.”_

Kiba scoffed, “And why would I do that?” He was annoyed as all hell about how his shitty day was going so shittily.  He could only attribute his current suicidal behavior to temporary madness that arose out of the sheer shittiness of his day.

Kiba understood his rash handling of the situation when his instinct’s wailing got louder. And also when both Sasuke and Neji stood up and loomed over him.

_“Because we fucking say so.”_

Kiba gulped, and tried to feigned confidence, _“I’ll tell Kakashi Sensei”_

Sasuke gave him a weird look and chuffed, _“Ppft! You call him Sensei?”_ He exchanged looks with Neji who also was wearing an equally incredulous look. “Dude, that’s so weird.” They then started laughing at him.

Kiba narrowed his eyes, _“I’m telling Itachi.”_ Kiba had to stop himself from wincing visibly at how much like a 10 year old tattle tale he sounded like.

Sasuke wasn’t taking the moron’s bullshit any longer _,”Yeah, but that would be after we’re done with you.”_

That’s when Kiba remembered just how crazy Sasuke and Neji can be. He saw their menacing looks. 

Kiba gulped again, _“I’ll tell Kakashi.”_ When he saw the two psychopaths falter, he gained some confidence and added, _“And he will kick your asses.”_ That seemed to have touched a nerve with Sasuke who leaned over, taking over Kiba’s entire line vision.

_“That too would be after we kick your ass.”_  Kiba flicked your eyes to Neji who was looking mighty displeased himself. When he turned his attention back to Sasuke, he saw him cracking his knuckles. He vaguely felt like he was in some mafia themed movie. This couldn’t really be happening right?

_“You realize that this is work place harassment right? You are threatening me with bodily harm. I can have you both arrested.”_

Sasuke sighed and seemed to back off a bit. Kiba was surprised that he was able to make the man see reason. His slightly unhinged boss ran his hand through his hair _, “Inuzuka, this has nothing to do with work. This isn’t workplace harassment. We will beat you up out of your workplace.”_ He finished with a winning smile as did Neji.

Kiba stared, finally understanding the depths of madness he was in.

_“You guys are insane.”_

_“Thank you.”_ Sasuke grinned, looking genuinely pleased and flattered. Neji, to his credit, looked just as deranged as his insane best friend.

Kiba sighed, _“Look guys, I’m really digging the whole mob feel you’ve got going on here. But I know you’re just trying to scare me. I know you aren’t actually going to do shit to me.  So –”_ He shrugged his shoulders, _“Sorry amigos, no can do.”_

Sasuke was about to open his mouth and deliver yet another threat, when Neji unceremoniously shoved him away with a sweaty hand over his face, ignoring the indignant, _“Eww.”_

He then stood in front of Kiba and leant over him, taking a page from Sasuke’s book _. “Listen Inuzuka. You’re right, we were just trying to scare you. But if you do this for us, we’re going to be supportive of you and Hinata.”_ He then lent back, and smiled, _“How’s that for a fair deal, huh?”_

Kiba pondered over what Neji had told and looked between the two poor lost souls and thought to himself, ‘Those two poor assholes had no clue how to actually woo someone’s attention. He could see through their façade.

They were genuinely smitten by little blonde and redhead and had no idea how to win them over. It was kind of sad really. He could tell because he used to be just like them, so much so that he felt that working for the black eyed demon known as Sasuke had been some sort of karmic retribution for all the shit that he had pulled in his life, bullying people. 

All of that had changed when he met Hinata. He felt happiness for the first time in a long, long time. He wondered how this would change Sasuke and Neji. Would they too turn into decent human beings?’ Kiba saw their eager faces and decided. _‘Well, it’s worth a try. And Naruto and Gaara sure as hell can take care of themselves. They would probably beat the ever living shit out of Sasuke and Neji if they tried to pull something sleazy.’_

Kiba was going to be a good Samaritan like that biker dude from today. Well, minus the kiss. That was harassment.

_“Alright. I’ll help you guys. But I don’t know if I actually can be of much help.”_ The happiness that he saw on Sasuke and Neji’s faces dissipated any lingering doubts that he might have had about all this.

The two clueless perverts looked at each other and smirked, turning to Kiba in unison, _“Oh, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”_

When Kiba saw the deranged looks sported by his boss and his best friend, he could feel a chill in his bones and sighed mentally.

It almost looked like his already horrible day was going to get much worse.

_That couldn’t be possible right?_

* * *

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